Fearfully & Wonderfully Made

"Quiet Time"

2011-07-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Daily I struggle with how to wisely use "my" time. I fight my own desire with setting my own schedule, and not turning to someone wiser, who created time and has my days numbered. I struggle with discerning how God wants me to use it, who does He want me to encourage or support, what does He want me to accomplish, the list goes on....

I try to pray for wisdom and discernment in how to best use my time and for God to help me to know "my time" is not just my time... but His.

I long for time alone. I rarely dislike being alone. I've always been that way. I am most "still" when I am alone and my soul craves that.

So when I get alone time, I tend to feel an internal struggle with how to use it and how to protect it. Sometimes, I don't want to "share" it and sadly, sometimes that means I neglect to set aside some of that time to spend with the Lord. I want to spend time in His word, growing, learning and drawing closer to Him through that time.

I struggle with just "sitting down" and reading His word. I know it can be a challenge to do when you’re a mom of little ones. I usually have time in the afternoon when my son is napping and my daughter is in quiet time playing. But I still feel the lure of that perpetual "to-do" list.

While I am not striving for perfection, I do feel I can improve in my being intentional about time reading God's Word... His instructions for my life...His way of being in relationship with me and me with Him.

I am not proud of my struggle, but I recognize it for what it is. Sometimes I have even noticed, that when I spend time reading the Word, I can't get enough of it, and I don't want to stop. Also, I find myself feeling irritated if I get interrupted while I am spending time with the Lord. So the pendulum swings the other way.

So where's my balance?

I've prayed a lot about this and part of me feels like God is trying to tell me to do as Christ did.

Mark 1:35 "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went to a solitary place, where he prayed."

Ideally, I could do this at this point in my life- the kids all sleep through the night. I'd have time to myself with the Lord, then be prepared and armed with the Word of God to start my day as opposed to later in the afternoon where I've already been through most of my day. Then when nap/quiet time rolls around in the afternoon I could use that time to accomplish some of the other things of the day and not allow my time with God to be pushed aside.

I've always been a "Night Owl." So I don't know how this will look for me, but I can't help but feel like this is what He is guiding me to do. It's been on my heart for quite some time. And this is how He speaks to us... to me. He is a gentleman, gently and patiently putting things on our hearts and shaping us to follow His Will.

And the other thing...

Simon and his companions sought out Jesus and perhaps interrupted the Lord's prayer time with the Heavenly Father. But Jesus didn't act selfishly, he didn't get angry and he didn't refuse them and tell them to go away. He simply joined them and went on about his day’s journey and quite literally fought demons.

So now the question is... "Am I prepared to do the same... how about you?"

4th of July Potato Salad

2011-07-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July! I thought I would share one of my favorite recipes. It is the best potato salad ever and one of my favorite side dishes to bring to a BBQ. So if your heading to a BBQ this weekend and you need a recipe, this one will deliver! Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Ingredients
• 2 pounds red new potatoes, quartered and cut into 3/4-inch chunks
• Coarse salt and ground pepper
• 3/4 cup sour cream
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• 1-2 tbsp. apple cider vinegar (add each tbsp. per taste preference)
• 1/2 cup thinly sliced scallions, plus more for garnish
• 4 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled, for garnish
Directions
1. In a large pot, cover potatoes with salted water. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Simmer until potatoes are tender when pierced with the tip of a sharp paring knife, 12 to 15 minutes. Drain well.
2. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk together sour cream and mayonnaise, apple cider vinegar; add warm potatoes, and gently fold to combine. Season with salt and pepper. Cover; refrigerate at least 1 hour and up to 1 day.
3. To serve, season salad again with salt and pepper, if needed; fold in scallions. Garnish with bacon and more scallions, if desired.

Just a few side notes: If you don’t want to bother with frying your bacon, cook it in the microwave, oven or you can buy it already cooked. This recipe was adapted from a Martha Stewart’s recipe; I changed the sour cream and mayo to regular from light and added the apple cider vinegar. I have made it in the past with light mayo and light sour cream… still good but not as rich in flavor. I’ve also made it with half- light sour cream and regular mayo, still great. All depends on your dietary preferences. Lastly, this recipe makes a small serving, I always double or triple this recipe so there is plenty to share. It never goes to waste.

Skipping Among Her Milestones

2011-06-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

Seasoned mothers have told me, "Enjoy her while she's little... time will fly by." I would smile and respond in agreement. While holding my daughter as an infant I would try to envision what time flying by really looked like. As a mother, I have tried to savor each day of my sweet, lively-spirited, six-year-olds life. While there are some days she brings me to my knees, other days she makes me smile, slow down and remember that life is a great JOY and walking through it is, optional! We believe her motto is, "Why walk when you can skip?" My husband and I have wondered if Avery still remembers how to walk? She literally skips everywhere she goes, and it makes us laugh!

Just over ten months ago, I watched her skip hand-in-hand with a friend into her kindergarten classroom. I stood on the sidelines and held back the flood gate, wondering where time had gone. And now here we are ten months later and we survived! In fact, we thrived! Avery thrived! She was blessed with a wonderful kindergarten teacher who nurtured so much in Avery’s soul. Avery has grown in so many ways over this past school year. She once was reading her alphabet, now she knows how to read words, books! She has developed a great love for science and nature and would define her best days by creating art all day. She is sharp as a tack in doing addition in her head and amazes us with her memory. Before and after school she spent her time writing "books", which consisted of stapling a stack of 8 1/2 x 11 inch papers together and writing and illustrating them. At the beginning of the school year, she wrote her name in manuscript, but is now asking me to teach her cursive and can write her name in cursive. She has accomplished so much over the past year and is growing into such a precious young girl.

Over this past year, God has put a special plan on our hearts. While in some ways this plan has caught us by surprise (mostly my dear husband), we are thrilled to see what He has in store for us! As Avery has accomplished this special milestone in "graduating" kindergarten, we are celebrating with joyful noise over her past education in private and public schooling and gratefully anticipating her growth as we transition into her 1st year with homeschooling! We are amazed where God has brought us to and can hardly wait to begin. We believe God has great plans in store for our family.

To our pleasant surprise, Avery is quite excited about homeschooling. We have received great support and blessings from our family and friends as we have shared our news. Of course, the first question everyone asks us is, "What made you decide to homeschool?” We are still learning how to share that answer, but we have “researched” homeschooling extensively and God has brought countless homeschool families into our lives to share and advise us in our decision. He provided for us conferences and homeschool networks to attend and piles of books, CD’s, DVD's, online information and homeschooling blogs to learn from. And when it came down to it, homeschooling was a decision that was placed in my husband’s and God’s hands. It took several months for the final decision to be made, but with my husband’s blessing and God's clear, peaceful confirmation we are ready to start this exciting journey ahead! We feel God's Hand upon us as we take this leap of faith.

We are excited! We love learning! We LOVE books! We are happy about more time with one another. We love the gift of choosing our own faith-based curriculum and having enough time in the day to devote to learning about Christ and working on our character. We joyfully anticipate the opportunity to spend time with other homeschooling families, teach lessons together and go on adventurous field trips. We love the ability of mastering a concept and moving at our own pace and exploring the world through unit studies. And we get to do science projects and create ART, ART and more ART! We think the idea of lying outside on a blanket and doing math and spelling is awesome! We are certain there is so much more; we have no idea what is in store for us with homeschooling and we are thrilled to be given this gift of time and learning together as a family. Most of all, as Avery’s parents, we will get to see her "skip among her milestones” even more at home than if she were away each day. We are thrilled! Stay tuned for more about the start of our homeschooling journey.

By the way....those mothers were right! Where have the last six years gone?

His Why

2011-05-27T01:49:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a small town in Kentucky. Radcliff was one of those towns that was "safe". We could go off and explore the woods near our home and mom rarely worried. We could ride our bikes, literally all over town. It wasn't Mayberry, but it was still small. Most of the friends I graduate from high school with, were friends I started elementary school with. I grew up feeling a part of a community and I was blessed to have many friends share my entire childhood school years with me.

As safe as it felt, and as close knit as it could be; we were not immune to pain, sorrow or loss. As a young child, heaven became very real to me. I learned at a very young age that life is not to be taken for granted and that there is so much more to live for than just this lifetime. I was impacted by eternity before I could comprehend it. Today, at 36 years old... I still cannot comprehend it, but I am trying.

As I was becoming a teen, I learned that sometimes children are called home to heaven before their parents. At thirteen, I was asking a question that I am most certain went all the way back to Eve. Eve was the first woman on earth and she was the first mother. She was also the first mother to bury her child. I am most certain... she was the first mother to ask the question of “Why?”, as she grieved.

On May14, 1988, as our community learned of the tragedy of the Carrolton Bus Accident where we lost so many loved ones, we found ourselves asking, "Why?". We witnessed so many mothers and fathers, families...bury their sweet children. We too, couldn't help but to ask, "Why?".

It was through the accident that God gave me a gift and impacted me eternally. I came to know Jesus through that tragedy.

This Saturday, May 28th is the 8th anniversary of my sweet little girls’ birth. I would have an 8 year old right now... Payton would be 8. How has 8 years passed already? I say it in a way that expresses speed... yet I also say it in a way that translates...disbelief. How ever have we lived this long without her? Over the past 8 years, I have asked a lot of "Why's?”. Some I have answers to... some I am still working on... some I am certain will not come this side of eternity.

Since May of 1988, my eyes were forever opened to the sensitivity, yet commonality of child loss. While working at UC Davis Children's Hospital in pediatrics, I witnessed so many sweet children's untimely deaths. I saw and heard the "Why's?”, I felt them too.

Over this past week I have been following the tragic loss of lives and homes to the Midwest tornados. I have been particularly touched by one beautiful family who lost their two sweet little boys. This family also suffered serious injuries to another child, to the pregnant mom and the loss of their home. I don't know this family, I have just been deeply touched by what they have gone through. Never wanting to see another mother or father bury their child(ren). So many questions of, "Why?".

I can't help but to wonder how many more "Why's" I might ask in my lifetime... I pray to be spared from any more of my own personal ones.... but know that that is not likely. Not to sound like a pessimist, it is just reality. We were never promised to be spared loss and grief, death became an option from the start of Adam and Eve's free will. But what we were promised is to never be left alone... to never be abandoned. To be loved. Redemption is Promised. Hope and Great Plans are Promised. And not just the Hope of heaven is Promised (not to minimize heaven) but the Hope of a "New Earth!"

I've recently been reading more about heaven lately. I guess I have felt ready to “fully release” the very real reality that that is where Payton is. I have certainly sought it out before...but something has changed in me lately. I think that “thing” that has changed is, I am finding myself desiring less to ask... "Why?".

I surrender.

From Eve, to May 14th, to Payton, to that sweet family to..... I am tired of asking, "Why?".

While I know it is ok to ask the question, "Lord what have you done...? Why have you allowed this?" I am tired of asking it. I went back and read Genesis 3:13. Even God himself asks Eve... "What have you done?". But the difference is HUGE! Perhaps not even comparable. This comparison is almost more than I can wrap my finite mind around.

But what I take from it is this:

God didn't have to or even need to ask that question of Eve. He knew. But he loved her enough to hear her words. While great tragedy occurred and great consequences came... God heard her.

And when Christ was on the cross, moments before he took his last breath... he too asked, "Why?" and it was then, that God himself... lost His Child.

The answer to His "Why?".... to finish God's Work.

Because of that "Why", I will see my friends in heaven someday. I will hold my sweet Payton again never to say goodbye ever again. And the family whose sons died and so many others will be with their sweet children, again and we will be with our Father God... someday.

So as Saturday approaches... this is what I want to celebrate and focus my heart and love on...

"HIS WHY".

Happy 8th Birthday Sweet Baby Girl... until heaven!

Aside from the Bible... here are a few books I recommend reading on grief and heaven:
*Heaven by Randy Alcorn
*Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar
*Heaven is Real by Todd Burpo

Hungarian Hot Sausage and Lentil Stoup

2011-03-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE TO EAT! Since I love to eat and wish to eat a lot... I do try to make the most out of what I eat. That is, I try to eat healthy, so I get the most out of each calorie. I wouldn't say this recipe is the healthiest(due to the pork fat), but it is delicious! My husband and I loved it and are adding it to our regular menu list. I followed the exact recipe this time around and thoroughly enjoyed it, but next time I am going to change things up a bit and healthy it up even more. In the original recipe, Hot Italian Pork Sausage is called for... which was amazing! But ideally I'd like my fat intake in this recipe to be a little lower. So next time I am going to buy a spicy turkey or chicken sausage, rather than pork. I am also going to try the recipe with low-fat or fat-free chicken broth or even vegetable broth, I really don't think it will affect the flavor all that much. The rest is great for you: carrots, portabella mushrooms, potatoes, fire roasted tomatoes, lentils (a great source of iron, fiber and protein) and KALE(can we say Cancer Fighting Properties!!!)! I don't know about you, but this is one leafy green I don't get very much of and I am short on recipes for, so I was thrilled to squeeze this great whole food into my diet. I will say this recipe did not go over well with my kiddos it was just too spicy for them. I could change it next time and cook it with a mild sausage and even turkey burger. But this is one of those dinners where I bend the rules a bit and play short order cook and make my kids something just for them, so we can have the spice! It's a win-win! Try it, you'll love it and the left-overs are even tastier! I am sure it would freeze well too. My kind of dish!

Hungarian Hot Sausage and Lentil Stoup

Prep Time: 15 min
Cook Time: 30 min
Serves:4 servings

•2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, 2 turns of the pan

•1 1/2 pounds bulk hot Italian sausage

•3 cloves garlic, chopped

•1 medium onion, chopped

•2 portabella mushrooms, gills scraped out, chopped

•1 cup pre-shredded carrots, available in sacks in produce department of the market

•1 cup lentils

•1 large starchy potato, peeled and chopped

•Salt and pepper

•1 bay leaf, fresh or dried

•2 teaspoons smoked paprika (or substitute a mix of 2 teaspoons cumin, 1 teaspoon sweet paprika and 2 pinches cayenne pepper)

•3 sprigs fresh rosemary, in tact on stems

•1 (14-ounce) can fire roasted chopped tomatoes, such as Muir Glenn or, regular diced tomatoes

•6 cups chicken stock

•4 cups kale or chard, a small bunch, veins removed and chopped

Heat a medium soup pot over medium high heat. Add extra-virgin olive oil, 2 turns of the pan, then add sausage to pot and brown and crumble it, then add garlic, onions and mushrooms. Cook a few minutes, then add carrots, lentils, potato, salt and pepper, bay leaf, paprika or substitute mixture and rosemary (leaves will fall from stems as stoup cooks). Add tomatoes and broth and cover pot then raise heat to high and bring to a boil. Uncover pot and place heat back a bit but keep stoup at a good rolling boil. Cook 15 minutes until lentils and potatoes are tender. Wilt in greens in small bunches, remove rosemary stems and turn off heat. Let stand 5 minutes. Serve in shallow bowls with bread and butter to mop up stoup. Reheat leftovers thinning it with broth or water.

Original Source: Rachael Ray

Happy 6th Birthday... Our Sweet Avery Mae

2011-03-01T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today is our little girls 6th birthday. Where has the time gone? I look at her and I can still see that sweet newborn that laid on my chest in the hospital shortly after she was born. I remember feeling so full of love that I thought I would burst. I remember being so tired and dozing off while resting in the reclined hospital bed and snuggling with her on my chest, doing skin-to-skin and waking up and being so enamored with how beautiful she was. She was amazing! She was both everything and nothing I had ever dreamed of. Her sister Payton, was so fair and light haired... so when she was born with a giant wig on her little head that was as dark as her daddy's hair, I was shocked and couldn't believe half of her came from me! Her 1/8th Cuban ethnicity really came out. As we examined her sweet little body, we laughed at all the hair that covered her full-term, 9 lbs 2 oz. body. Even on her little ears! She was a little werewolf!

So, 6 years have passed and she is still our hairy little mama! She will someday be embarrassed by this, but my husband trimmed her nose hairs the other day! It was quite the sight and memory. We were all in the bathroom observing and laughing about what was about to take place. I said to my husband, "There's something a little off about you trimming your almost six year old daughters nose hairs." We laughed and continue to laugh about it. The poor Bazzocco side of the family got blamed for the hairy gene, and we got a great laugh out of it all.

Avery is our hearts delight! She is both spunky and sweet. A for sure fire cracker! We honestly are not sure she knows how to walk anymore, as she skips everywhere she goes... literally! Even from the kitchen to the bathroom and back. Sometimes it drives me bonkers, but it reminds me what a joyful, free spirit she has... and that, I am thankful for. Avery loves doing anything and everything artsy and crafty, yes the apple does not fall far from the tree. She loves playing with her friends, watching t.v. (despite our limiting it), reading and being read to, eating, and going to Tap/Ballet class. She has many wonderful gifts and we love seeing what God does in her life and what He has planned for her future.

So today... Sweet Avery Mae... our little hairy momma! We love you, we adore you, we are proud of you, we are honored to be your parents and we celebrate this memorable day that God blessed us and showed us His plans for us in giving us you, sweet girl. Happy Birthday to you....

Love Mommy, Daddy, Ben Ben and always Payton

Full of Grace and Seasoned with Salt

2011-02-08T15:19:00.000-08:00

In Old and New Testament times, the mineral salt had many roles. Some of its roles were: a seasoning, an object for trade, a ceremonial tool, a food preservative, a symbol of friendships and covenants, and lastly a disinfectant. A disinfectant! I don’t know about you, but I stay away from salt scrubs and use only sugar scrubs. Salt in a wound brings pain! Salt was also used in the New Testament to teach us about how to act towards one another. The Gospel Mark said, “…Have salt among yourselves, and be at peace with each other.” (Mark 9:50)

Over this past weekend, I was pruning some plants in my garden when I came across one of God’s little creatures... a snail. As soon as I saw him, I felt what every fellow gardener feels, “THIS WAR IS ON!” I wanted to rid my garden of this burdensome pest and act quickly to find a natural way to remove him from the premises. But instead of running for the salt shaker, sorry I couldn’t resist, I ran for my camera. I must say, he was the cutest thing I had seen in quite some time and I had to capture this little guy. As I snapped shots of him, I studied his design. Everything from his retractable tentacle eyes, to his beautifully designed protective shell, to his slime-trail-leaving body that’s actually a giant foot, it was all obviously designed for a great purpose. While the snail gets a bad rap in the gardening world, his creation actually has some valuable purpose. Two of the little snails purposes are to; help recycle organic matter creating nutrient rich soil and serve as an excellant food source to other creatures. While they serve some beneficial purpose, pouring on the salt is one sure way to get rid of them.

As I went on with my pruning, I thought about how as a Christian I could relate to the snail. My creation was wonderfully designed and I too have great purpose. But sometimes when I feel threatened, and I feel like others are burdened by me, I retract and coil up in my shell, too. All in an attempt to protect myself from the wounding that might occur or is occurring by another I am sharing with. But I know I was created for God’s purpose, to be used in sharing with others about Christ. But I have to remember that sometimes in doing so; I too might be seen as a burdensome pest. But where I desire to differ from the garden snail, is the salt.

Colossians tells us to let our conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that we may know how to answer everyone. We are called to be wise in the way we act toward others who do not know Christ and to make the most out of every opportunity. We are encouraged to draw others in with our “salt” allowing the things we share to be “tasty” and “enticing” rather than disrespectful and threatening. Rather than expelling others with my salt, I am to use it to attract others. I am not to use it to “disinfect” or to so-called, “rub salt in their wounds”. But to use it to invite and to share in the beauty of Christ and the purpose of His creation from our Father God. To guide and encourage others to grow closer to Christ and to learn how deeply loved and perfectly designed they are by God. So that they may know His Grace and live life closely to Him. A true gift, a true purpose to live by. I invite you too, to share your salt.

Snowman Soup or Snowman Poop!

2010-12-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

Hi all we wanted to share two holiday treats that the kids and I made for friends, family, kindergarten classmates, MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) friends, our favorite Post Office Staff Ladies and Nugget Grocery staff... well you get the idea. I help co-coordinate crafts for my churches MOPS group and for our last week for fall session, we made the Snowman Soup bags. They were quick to create and the moms seemed to enjoy them. And the Snowman Poop, well that was a little something that we discovered on the Internet. They made me laugh and who doesn't need a little more laughter in their lives, so I had to make them too. (You can also make Reindeer Poop with raisins, Leprechaun Poop with green jellybeans and well I am sure the ideas are plenty). The fun part starts with making these little guys with your kids. The hard part is keeping them from eating them all. The best part is watching the gift receivers face when you've handed them the Snowman Poop! They are inexpensive to make, fun, quick to assemble (the labels take the longest time and make sure you check your spelling before you print them, cut them out and corner round them.... ugh! I misspelled Cane... I wrote stir it with a can! OOPS!) and great to give. Have fun and Merry "Christ"mas everyone!

Snowman Soup Assembly Recipe

Step 1: Measure 3Tbls. Chocolate Mix into small plastic bag and close with twisty tie (Small and larger bags and ribbon were bought at Joannes Fabric)

Step 2: Insert into large bag: Chocolate Mix, 5 marshmallows, 2 kisses, 1 candy cane

Step 3: Tie with ribbon and attach Snowman Soup Recipe Tag (Our Tags were made on a Windows Doc. and Clip Art, then we cut card stock with paper trimmer and rounded corners, whole punch and tied with holiday ribbon and raffia).

Step 4: Keep for yourself or give to someone special. Merry Christmas and enjoy!

Snowman Poop

Just plain mini-marshmallows in a bag!

Our family also made this:

It is a metal star cookie cutter places in an organza bag and inside is a card with a Christmas note wishing a Merry Christmas, along with the recipe for our favorite homemade play dough and the idea of making the play dough with your kids and while it cools, cuddling together and reading the Christmas Story about Jesus' birth. Taking time to talk with your children about what Christmas is really all about and why we celebrate it. And telling them about the Wise Men and how they followed the Star to Bethlehem to meet the King, our Savior, Baby Jesus. And that we too can choose to follow Jesus. Then after your done sharing the story, go back into the kitchen and cut out stars with the star cookie cutter from yellow colored play dough. It is a great preschool and school age activity to focus on Jesus this Christmas season.

Here's our recipe and what our cards said: the recipe was passed along several years ago by a friend from church(Thank you Staci for sharing this awesome recipe with us, we miss Puggles, Avery still talks about it!). Best recipe ever! And feel free to use my wording.

Merry Christmas!

This Christmas Season take some time to slow down and spend time with your kiddos.

Make some of this play dough and color it yellow. While the play dough cools from cooking, cuddle up

with your kiddos and read the Christmas Story to them. Talk to them about how

the Wise Men followed the Star to Bethlehem to baby Jesus and how we too can choose to

follow. Then go back to the kitchen and have fun with your star cookie cutter, cutting out

yellow play dough stars. We love each of you and wish you a very Merry Christmas!

Love Heather, Aren, Avery and Ben

(we tied on alphabet ornaments for their 1st names)

Cooked Play dough
3 Cups of Flour
½ Cup Salt
2 Tbsp. Cream of Tarter (we buy ours in bulk at Winco)
3 Cups Water
6 Tbsp. Salad Oil
Food Coloring(I like to use Wilton's Icing Color concentrated paste-sold at Michael's or Joannes in cake supplies)

First add dry ingredients to a large stew pot. Then add wet ingredients. Stir and heat on medium until mixture becomes stiff and pliable and begins to come away from the sides of the pot. Remove from pot and cool until workable then knead until smooth in texture and color.
Store in a plastic Ziploc. *** It seems like you are stirring forever, then all of a sudden it
comes together into play dough consistency very quickly. Once you are stirring, be careful not to leave the pot or it will burn!! Enjoy!
Here's some more holiday pictures of my family.

Each holiday or season of the year, we keep a basket of books in our kitchen with the theme of the holiday or season that we are in. We love cuddling on the couch and reading them. It seems I have passed my book addiction on to not only Avery, but Ben too! It is a rare moment he is seen hands-free of a book. I'm a proud momma!

While our home smells nice from the live Christmas Tree, I like to burn scented oils from Bath & Body Works

Sadly this year our annual trip to Snowy Peaks Christmas Tree Farm was cancelled due to the weather, so we were forced to visit a tree lot at a local nursery. While the experience was not the same... we must say it was much more simple and fast!

The trees were all so beautiful and perfectly shaped, so it wasn't hard to pick one out quickly.

Ben decorating/playing with his box of ornaments.

Our little Avery Mae posing in front of the tree.

Every year we get together with our old playgroup friends and do a book exchange with the kids. Here are all the kiddos! Ben was not having it!

Here are all the mommas!

And the papas!

Oh and we do a cookie exchange. Our family made and exchanged Gingerbread Whoopie Pies!

Then I made boxes for my neighbors with all my exchanged cookies! It is the way to go!

Then the kids helped me pass them out. And shake them up! Ugh!

Today, we light a candle in memory of...

2010-12-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, over seven years ago our daughter Payton died at the young age of four months and twenty-five days. It is hard to believe we would have a seven year old today and that it has been seven years since she went home to Heaven. Today, December 12th is the day we remember our children who have died by lighting a candle at 7pm for one hour. Thanks to Compassionate Friends, a non-profit support group for bereaved parents, all over the world candles will be lit for 24hrs in loving memory of children who died too soon.

World Wide Candle Lighting in Memory of Children

The Christmas after Payton died, I wanted to find a way to remember and honor Payton. I found this sterling silver candle at Potterybarn and had it engraved, "Our Hearts Remember". It has been lit over the past seven years as we have honored and remembered Payton. On her birthdays, anniversaries, at family gatherings for holiday events standing in as a representation that her memory lives on, her life lives on in heaven with Christ our Light and that she will always be with us in our hearts. This candle will be lit in our home for not only Payton, but for so many other children that have gone too soon. Children I helped care for at UC Davis Children’s Hospital, children of friends who God brought into my life after our children had died and have walked alongside Aren and I in our grief journey. As well as children who I do not know but feel sorrow at their untimely deaths. One of these children who I have loved, adored and had become a part of my soul, but I never met in person is sweet Evan Newport. As some of you may have read in the past on my blog, Evan and his family mean the world to me and God has used them repeatedly over the past seven years to bless me with their friendship. The following story was written by Scott Newport, Evan’s daddy, and I wanted to share it with you on this day of remembrance.

Two for Two
By Scott Newport

“Scott did you hear what you just said?”

“Yea, what do you mean?”

“Let me play back the recorder and you can listen for yourself.” This conversation took place at a small desk on the tenth floor of a downtown hotel in Dallas Texas. Everett Marshal was interviewing me for a Children’s’ Miracle Network radiothon in the Detroit area, my home. I was there for a Patient and Family Centered Care conference, a representative for the University of Michigan’s Mott hospital. Everett and I met a few years back; he flew in from St. Louis .

Before he could play it back, I knew what he was talking about and said, “I know its sounds odd but that’s the way Penni and I thought. Her prayer was Evan would die when he was at his best. Mine was I would be there when he took his last breath.”

Evan had an incurable heart condition associated with Noonan syndrome. After spending the first 252 days of his life in an ICU we learned medicine is not an exact science and took Evan home.

As Everett and I continued to talk off- mike I remembered another prayer I pleaded to God. This was during the early months in the hospital. Penni called me one afternoon telling me to come quick as the doctors thought Evan may die in the next few hours. Evan was four months old at the time. I immediately turned my truck around and as I hurried to the hospital I prayed, “Lord please heal Evan’s heart and lungs. Lord, let your mighty strength be seen by all.” Before I could even think another thought God spoke to me in my mind and said, “Scott, what if I let Evan die and through his life my greatness will shine brightly.” That day was a turning point in my life. As a father I am always trying to fix things, make things better for family. But in this case I was helpless and that day I was comforted by knowing I could lean on my Father.

The title of this devotion is two for two but maybe it should be titled three for three. You see Evan did die last year, the day after Thanksgiving. He was doing great that morning and was playing with a Christmas globe, you know the kind that lights up and plays Christmas carols. Penni and I both walked into his home ICU and found him lifeless in his crib, both our prayers were answered.

And yes Evan’s life lives on in many shinning ways. If you walk into the University of Michigan ’s children’s hospital today you will clearly see a large hanging banner that reads, “Evan Newport Hope Award.” These are awards given to staff for excellence in patient and family centered care. Even though the HOPE is an acronym for something else, I tell folks it also means, Helping Other’s Perceive Eternity.

Evan was seven years old when he went into eternity with our God.

Isaiah 40: 8
The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.

She is clothed with strength and dignity... Proverbs 31:25

2010-11-27T01:16:00.000-08:00

I had been holding onto it for decades...truthfully for a lifetime. I didn't want to throw it away, give it away or even show anyone it, for fear others would try to take it from me. I often wished and prayed about wanting to get rid of it, but I felt powerless to hand it over. It had become such a familiar fixture in my life, that it was kind of like an old familiar hat, comfortable, yet I recently noticed I was starting to outgrow it. Others have one like it, and most don't want to get rid of theirs either. In some strange way, holding on to it made me feel power over it, when in reality holding onto it, gave it power over me. I knew that, but still, I felt I didn't know how to part with it.... it had been around for too long. It was all I really knew. What would I do after I got rid of it, what would I replace it with? What would fill that gaping hole? What would I be like without it, would it come back? Would it be a part of me forever? What would it do to the one who gave it to me? After all, I didn't think it was my choice that I had it in my possession to begin with. I never really wanted it to be with me in the first place. But, it was mine... all mine.

Decades of hurt and disappointment lurked around. Filled with sorrow and anger. One broken heart, breaking another. Poor choices, lost perspective, unfocused purpose, and mind-numbing pain all surrounded it. From one to another, it was passed along. Attempts to handle it other ways, better ways were tried, but to no avail, it was done alone, with out Direction. Decades later the remains still linger. Carrying on and weighing down. Threatening to start the cycle, once again. Unless and until it's holder, let's it go... gives it away and turns to the only One who can take it from us. If... we choose to give it away.

Bitterness. Anger. Hurt.  Sorrow. Mistrust. Hatred. Unforgiving.  Doubt. And the list goes on... I was hanging on to each one... Like a layered wardrobe, I was fully clothed in them. Being weighed down and burdened by the load. I was never free to enjoy life without them. When the environment around me was there for me to enjoy, I struggled to do so, because I was poorly dressed. I took it everywhere I went and I often tried to leave layers with others. Here... take this layer. Here, take that layer.  I often didn't even realize that I was passing out my layers to others.  Just when I thought I was freeing myself of a layer, I was actually putting more layers on. These were layers that weren't meant to be shared, to be given away to others. As they were similar to what others wore, but they were custom fit for me. They couldn't be tucked away for the next season. They had to be either worn or purposefully given away to the only One who has the power to take them away and destroy them.

I had tried for years, almost two decades to release these layers. To give them away, free my luggage from this baggage. I consulted others about how and when I should give it away, trying to understand why it was given to me, and why I kept it around for safe keeping. I would try only to repack my bags once again... and schlep it alongside me further down the road. I tried not to wear the layers around others, knowing they had long gone out of style and fearing others would call me on it. It took a long time to realize that as long as I held onto that old stuff, the less room I had for new stuff.... perhaps stuff that fit me better. Stuff that allowed me to be the me, the true me the Grand Designer made me to be.  It was when I finally started looking at how my children looked at me with such love, respect and admiration. That I truly realized that they might and probably saw some of those layers I was wearing around them. Layers that they might want to ask to wear themselves, borrow, perhaps even take as a hand me down. I knew that those layers were not meant for them, only me. And that I needed to throw them out into the give away pile. The pile that would go to the only One who could make good use out of them.  So.... when I finally made the decision, I called out one last time, and asked to be stripped clean. To be made into a new creation. To be free of the things I held onto for so long, for fear that if I forgave... I would be giving back that layer to the one who gave it to me. And that I wouldn't know what to do without it, without it's familiar weight it laid upon me. I was able to see how the things I gave away, were the very things I had been given as hand me downs from the one's who gave them to me. For they had not been able to free themselves of them in time to prevent the generational inheritance that comes with such things.

It was with those understanding eyes, by the Wisdom and Grace of the Designer, that I then saw just how it all began. It was created, worn, washed, and passed along, only to be worn and washed and passed along again. But asking for it to be permanently washed clean and something new given in its place, was when it all changed. While I like my new layers and I am adjusting to this new fit. I recognize that it might not always be easy being free of those old duds and that I might want to resort back to putting on the ole' cozies. But I am assured that before long these new duds will be a perfect fit and I will never take them off for the old stuff again. It is a choice being clothed with something new, something more fitting from the Designer Himself. A choice I will embrace. A choice that is much lighter, much more taylored made for me.  You never know... maybe I'll start a fad.

Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

Articles on Forgiveness from Focus on the Family
What the Bible says about Forgiveness

"He's Got The Little Kindergarteners In His Hands"

2010-09-09T14:57:00.000-07:00

Avery Mae just 3 days old.

Over five years ago, God gave me one of the most beautiful gifts I could ever ask for, my daughter Avery. It has been an amazing journey as her mommy and she has brought my heart so much delight and sometimes...stress! She is my spirited one, my fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants child, sings-to-her-own-tune and my little girl who knows what she wants and when she wants it. She is also tender-hearted, kind, compassionate towards others, loving, thoughtful, knows how to enjoy life and so many more wonderful traits and gifts. Needless to say, she is my little refiner, that God is truly shaping my character daily through. She makes my soul soar with the joy and love, and at times she brings me to my knees humbly in prayer.

Bringing Avery home from the hospital, March 05

Before Avery was born, the reality that my children are NOT, just "my children" became very clear, very real as we held Payton tightly and our Heavenly Father called her home. We learned that any child God was going to give us, was His first and given to us as a gift, to love, raise and disciple through life. A task I often felt and continue to feel at times, ill-equipped for. It has been a fine balance of holding on and letting go at just the right moments with Avery. I have since learned, it's the same with our son Benjamin who is almost 2 years old. "If only I could hit the pause button", another mom friend of mine has recently said. But no such remote exists. Only the "present button".

sweet Avery recently started kindergarten. The anticipation of the first day was the hardest part, next to watching her walk away with her new classmates, off into the big kindergarten world. Avery was a champ, brave and joyful with anticipation. Her mommy, however, well I was a mess! I worried, feared and fretted far more than I needed to. And when the first day came, it was like having a band-aid ripped off quickly! After she walked away into her class with an ear-to-ear smile and holding a new little girlfriends hand, I let the tears fall. As I glanced around the parking lot, it was clear to see that I was not alone in my emotions. It was easy to spot the kindergartner mommies. With the exception of a few little souls, the first day appeared far more painful to the mommies than the new kindergartners. When I headed home, I went straight into action. Get Ben down quickly for his nap! For this was a new part of our "unknown routine". One hour earlier than normal, he still happily obliged and off to dreamland he went! I walked downstairs with the world lifted off my shoulders. Start of first day for Avery- check! Ben down at his new nap time-check! Momma has about 2.5 hrs to myself- Yahoo! I really didn't know if I should continue my mommy weeping or dance a jig!

Avery in her first day of school outfit and backpack

Annual first day of school pic...we took her preschool pics in front of this tree too.

Standing in line to go into kindergarten class for the first time

Waving Goodbye....

Though I am personally still struggling and adjusting to public school protocol, Avery is doing great. It has been twelve days since that first day of kindergarten and life is settling in. We have our new routine down and Avery is blossoming! She loves kindergarten and is eager to go everyday. The afternoon schedule is working out perfectly for our family and Ben is napping beautifully. And I have a little more time to "get things done". It feels great to be where we are now. But twelve plus days ago, it was a tender place to be. Letting a little more of Avery go was difficult. And so.... this is just really the beginning. That must be why God gives them to us when they are little, so we can ease into the transition. There is so much I could write about, my head is flooded with thoughts to share. But one of the things I really wanted to share is how proud I am of my sweet daughter. My heart aches with love for her and I am amazed that five years has passed so quickly. Sad, yet excited with anticipation for the adventures and tender moments ahead of raising my sweet gifts from God. Focusing on enjoying them while they are here in my arms, in my home, under my care. But I know, as many others have learned too. They are loaned to me, to raise, to teach, to love, and to enjoy life with. As I basically grieved the end of summer and the anticipation of Avery reaching this new milestone, I sat down the day before her first day of kindergarten to spend some time talking with God. And this is the devotional that was prepared for that day. It was as if it was written to me. I love it when God works that way. This is what it said.

August 23

Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one--as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father's undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love.

When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care I am free to shower blessings on them. My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.

~Genesis 22:9-12; Ephesians 3:20; Exodus 33:14

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

While I don't know that I need to compare myself to Abraham, I could see the message here that spoke to my heart. Trust. Trust Avery into His hands. Not always an easy thing to do in this world that can be unpredictable, scary and just plain dangerous. It is also a place of beauty, joy and love. And it was created for us to enjoy, to experience and to grow in. I may not always be able to keep my little ones under my wings forever, but I trust and know like sung in the children's song, "He's got the whole world in His hands," that even my little kindergartner is always... in His hands.

"One Man's Trash Is Another Child's Treasure"

2010-07-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

Once in a blue moon, one of my families favorite drinks to treat ourselves to is a Henry Weinhard Root Beer. It's rich, creamy, smooth on the taste buds and served in an old fashioned brown glass bottle. Something about drinking out of that cold brown bottle adds to the nostalgia of the experience. However, once the soda is down-the-hatch, the bottle somehow loses it's flair and is quickly tossed in the the recycling bin with all of the other empty containers to be recycled. All the work and mileage that bottle went through to satisfy my craving for such a short time...but so appreciated! Now days everyone is "going green" and people are striving to take better care of our gift from God, "Earth."

According to the Clean Air Council, "in the U.S., 4.39 pounds of trash per day and up to 56 tons of trash per year are created by the average person"! I once heard this amazing story about a man who made it his life work to throw away as little trash as he possibly could. I cannot remember what his actual consumption level was, but what stood out to me was that he reused "ALL" of his foil, plastic wrap, bags, etc.... never to throw away or buy new again. So often when I reach in my drawer to grab my foil I think of that man. Somehow he made an impression on me. Crazy as it is...you can't help but find a person and cause like that, honorable. Praiseworthy! Every person "can" make a difference. Just not sure I can in that exact way...as I literally went through 6 wipes and about 10 napkins while eating out at dinner with my "Pigpen" children...not counting the foil, plastic and cardboard we were eating out of at Chipotle.

While visiting my families property in Ft. Bragg this past 4th of July, we made a stop at one of the tourists attractions, Glass Beach. Beachcombers for miles walk the shore exploring the tide pools and rummaging through the sand in search for the perfect souvenir piece(s) of sea glass to take home to cherish. My kids loved it! Avery carefully examined each stone piece by piece, that she stowed away...in my sweater pocket. And Ben was tickled just running his chubby little fingers and toes through the smooth stones and sand. Occasionally, grabbing handfuls and chucking them at us while giggling with a sly grin. Aren and I were content sitting our hineys in it and treasuring the moments and memories with the kids. Though I must say I hijacked a few stones for myself... found several that look like tear drops. So I had to take them.

To think that this beautiful beach was once home to a dump was a surprise to all who learned of the history of Glass Beach. Yes, it's true. "In the early 20th century, Fort Bragg residents threw their household garbage over the cliffs above what is now "Glass Beach." They discarded glass, appliances, and even cars. The land was owned at that time by the Union Lumber Company, and locals referred to it as "The Dumps." Sometimes fires were lit to reduce the size of the trash pile. In 1967, the North Coast Water Quality Board and city leaders closed the area. Various cleanup programs were undertaken through the years to correct the damage. Over the next several decades the pounding waves cleansed the beach, wearing down the discarded glass into the small, smooth, colored trinkets that cover the beach today." (Source: Wikipedia.org)

To think that some root beer lovin' litterbug tossed her brown glass root beer bottle over the cliffs and decades later another root beer lovin' conservationist (sorry couldn't pass it up) was snatching it up off the beach and stuffing it in her pocket to take home and treasure, is redeeming! I guess that's one long and drawn out way to recycle or re-use! We loved it! Who doesn't love a beautiful beach to explore. My little 5 year old sure does! She'd take the whole beach home with her if she could! A trait I am happy to have passed on, the little nature lover that she is! When we spend time in the great outdoors with Avery, we always have to make up an arbitrary limit on rock, shell, pine-cone, leaf smuggling with her. Otherwise, my home would be the Great Indoors. While we truly are trying to teach our children how to care for and respect this planet we live on by "taking only photographs and leaving only memories", we couldn't help but bring a little of it home with us to cherish. As my sweet little girls eyes sparkled at each new discovered glass jewel she handed me, it brought a whole new meaning to "one man's trash is another child's treasure".

The purpose of our trip was to spend time with family for the 4th of July at my families property. The property has been in my family far before I was born...it is a cherished place for the Risse Family, friends and guests. http://www.kibesillah.com/

My favorite flower.... Nasturtium... planted around the Farmhouse....reminds me of my late Grandma Risse

Happy 4th of July America....love Ben

The Farmhouse in Kibesillah (Ft. Bragg, CA)

So precious...Avery and Great Grandpa Risse

Our visit to the Salmon Festival...to eat some YUMMY freshly grilled salmon!

Ladybug Kisses & Pink Balloon Wishes....

2010-05-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

Ladybug, Ladybug...
you flew away Home.
I held you for a moment,
you were only on loan.

Though a world apart,
I wait to unite...
I hold onto your memory
with all of my might.

God's Promises hold true,
His redemption is clear.
Though our time to be together...
seems farther than near.

So I rest in His Word,
His Peace and His Love...
While missing you each day,
He guides me gently from above.

In His arms you rest whole,
your life is complete.
A truth I hold dearly,
so tender... so sweet.
~Written by Heather Bazzocco, mommy... for Payton on her 7th birthday 5~28~10

Happy 7th birthday, my sweet daughter... my little lovebug! I love you... and will always miss you, till our Heavenly Father gently lays you back into my arms. I am so proud to be your mommy. Thank you my brave little soul. You have made my life complete.
Love mommy

There's a jokester in every bunch!

Sweet Avery decorating her sisters grave with all the heartfelt mementos she made for her. Though Avery never got to meet her big sister... she knows her... loves her... and misses her presence in her life. I am touched deeply by Avery's heart. She is amazingly giving, empathetic, and tender hearted. I am so proud of her.

When talking with Avery the night before Payton's birthday... Avery said she, "wished we could go out to Payton's grave and release ladybugs and pink balloons" something we have done on past birthdays. They clearly have made such an impression on her little heart, that she wanted to do them again. It made the day special... and the children loved it. Avery Mae (5), Benjamin (19mo), Brody (27mo) and the twins, Braxton and Barrett (8mo) all were a part of celebrating Payton's 7th birthday.

As our time celebrating at Payton's grave came to an end. I glanced up from under her Willow where I was standing and there attached to a branch directly over her grave, was a cocoon. I am not sure if it is a butterfly or a moth cocoon. I tried to search on-line, but was not able to determine what lies inside to 100%. Truthfully that is not what really matters. What matters is what it reminded me of. How we change... how Payton changed. Many have heard of the analogy used of the life of a caterpillar to the life of a human. We exist in this world as living human beings, caterpillars if you will. Then we die (cocoon). Then if we are believers and followers in Christ... we emerge in new, glorious bodies in heaven (butterflies). Well some of us... are just moths. No, just kidding. The whole process, whether a butterfly or a moth... is a miracle. It is amazing! Go out into nature and everywhere you look God has wonderfully orchestrated His story into each living thing. The symbolism of birth, life, and death is everywhere. You cannot escape, you should not disbelieve it, you cannot discount it. And God is so amazing that He gives us the life of a butterfly to learn from. All throughout the Bible, Christ would talk in parables, stories. He would use a story to symbolize a deeper meaning, a greater point. A moral to the story, to teach others...and us today. In the creation of the butterfly, He has given us yet another perfect parable... another symbol... of the cycle of life. Believe in the powers of God to create magnificent new life, to believe the miracle that God transforms caterpillars into butterflies, to believe the miracle that God transforms earthy bodies into heavenly bodies. Like He has done for Payton.

As Christ talked in analogy in Psalm 22:6, Jesus talked about His death and resurrection. Saying, "I am a worm, and no man..." because He would rise again in a glorified body just like the caterpillar who emerges from his "tomb-like chrysalis/cocoon" in the form of a butterfly. Is it any surprise that God would leave us tangible evidence that such a transformation CAN and DOES happen.

Richard Buckminster Fuller wrote, "There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly". This quote is so true. If you were to look at a caterpillar would you ever believe it could and does change into a beautiful, delicate butterfly?  But it does! Thank you God for this miracle, this tangible piece of evidence that one form can and does change miraculously into another form.

Such a reminder of how we are changed, and transformed in death is talked about in 1 Corinthians 15: 12-58.  (NIV)   "35 How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?" 36How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 37When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. 38But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. 39All flesh is not the same: Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. 40There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. 41The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

42 So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body."

There is so little I feel I need to say after these verses. They speak for themselves. So today as I saw the cocoon... I saw it as one of God's redemptive reminders to me... to my family. A reminder that Payton lives on... that she is in her new body. Just like that butterfly or moth will soon be too.  In fact we all, through our faith in Christ, can be transformed when it is our time to form our own cocoons.

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." ~Richard Bach

Our hearts remember.... 27 white roses....

2010-05-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

Twenty-two years ago...my life was forever changed... and I was not the only one changed...an entire community was changed... forever. I don't have a lot of words today for this post... really to this day... there are so few. One thing I do say and can say... is it brought me to accept, know and love our Lord, Jesus Christ. I still wonder why at moments, and still feel pain over the memory of this tragedy. I will never forget my friend Chad who went to heaven that day...and all the many other childhood friends and their family members who were... forever changed. Prayers, love and remembrance are on my heart today on this 22nd anniversary of the Carrolton Bus Crash. I was only 12 when it happened...and in so many ways it seems like yesterday. I will never forget and I am forever changed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTTZ9ooBpPw
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carrollton_bus_disaster

Elmo was a "good fish... happy and brave"....

2010-04-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

Monday the 26th, was a day I will never forget as a mom. A little over two years ago we welcomed a new little addition into our family... Avery's 1st ever fish pet... he was a red beta... that Avery lovingly named, "Elmo". Quite the fitting name for a fish that was red and made his home in a Sesame Street aquarium. Elmo first held up residence in Avery's bedroom, where the soft glow of his nightlight, would scare the dark scaries away, leaving Avery content with his company. It wasn't long before little Elmo had to put in for a change of address to the hallway countertop, due to little hands reaching into his tank through his feeding hole... leaving random trinkets behind such as ponytail holders, Polly Pocket shoes, whatever Avery felt little Elmo needed. Once she even tried to "brush Elmo's teeth" with her very own toothbrush and toothpaste! Uhm yah... what were we thinking letting a 3 year old have a fish tank in her room? Fools!

Elmo spent the good part of his life out in our upstairs hallway, lighting the nighttime trips to the potty. But, his final residence in the Bazzocco family house was the graduation back into Avery Mae's room. She was given another chance at five years of age to prove she was responsible to have Elmo share her bedroom once again. Avery did fantastic! Never "testing the waters" again. Even growing in her awareness, the responsibility of feeding the little guy each night at bedtime. Elmo was our friend. Elmo was Avery's friend. He was her bedroom buddy and his little presence made bedtime seem a bit easier.

Over the past few weeks, we had been noticing Elmo performing strange swim strokes, such as the side stroke, the slow stroke and well... just seeming peculiar. Aren called it, I quickly brushed it off after a quick assessment and observation of him swimming like speed lighting from one end of the tank to the other. Secretly in the back of mind, hoping all was really well. All did seem well...until early afternoon Monday. When Avery and I walked into her bedroom for "quiet time", I reached onto the dresser to grab her clock and set her time, when I saw... all was not well. I was shocked! Poor Elmo! OH NO! My poor daughter! My mind raced as to what to do… tell her now, tell her later, I can't leave her in her room to discover him herself, what do I do!? I quickly put the clock back up in front of the fish tank and asked Avery to come over to me. While praying for the right words, I gently let her know that her little Elmo had died. Immediate shock was on her little face, paralyzing my mother's heart for a moment and forever touching me, then immediate tears began to fall from her sweet face. I quickly scooped her up, held her tight and carried my big 45+ pound, 5 year old down the stairs and rocked her like my little baby that she will always be. As we sat in the rocking chair, she wept, I wept, and I prayed feverishly for God to help me with this. Despite the journey in life I have been through, I was in unchartered waters and was feeling so ill-equipped for this poignant moment. A moment in my mother eyes that could forever shape my sweet daughters view of death, grief and coping. So while I rocked her... many thoughts came to me. Experiences as a previous Child Life Specialist and working with children and talking with them about death and dying... countless past conversations Avery and I have already had in her asking and understanding her big sisters death... and my own experiences of loss as both a child and adult... all came flooding in. I had visions of my childhood and how my mother supported me through losing numerous beloved pets, family members and even young friends...and how she encouraged us to be a part of the process of saying goodbye and remembering them too. Death, loss and grief are no strangers to me, where I once turned from them and ran from the awareness of them... I'm trying more to face them and I'm still learning to accept they are a part of life. Fear them not, OH NO... I still fear them, the sting, the finality, the mind numbing blow, but I find comfort and solace in knowing that I have a Father in heaven who tells me that there is a place far better than this place. A place where He has gone before me and is preparing a place for me, for my loved ones, who believe in Him, in Christ. Heaven is real! It is not fictional, it is not false, make believe or folk-lore. It is a real place and I rest in knowing and believing it is our final home, our final destination .  Some have asked, for pets too? Well, not sure.  The Bible does have scripture that makes me wonder, but I have not been able to clarify to say with accuracy.  In Isaiah 11:6-8 (NIV) it tells us that, "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest." If I am understanding this correctly this is scripture from the prophet Isaiah who is talking about the "New Earth" after Christ comes back... how Christ will restore this world to a state/place like Eden.  Either way, heaven is a place where no man has seen... but if God created animals here for man to have dominion over and because He is all knowing, He knew we would befriend them, not just use them to subside off of, but fall in love with and live together with, bond with.  This is not scripturally sound, but I can't help but believe our pets are in heaven too.  But hey who knows?  God is good...all the time, so why not with something like that too. Avery often asks me are animals in heaven?  Like the taxidermied (is that a word?) steer that she saw at Breakaway at church last year. OH BOY!!! Did that ever create confusion in her little mind:  "is it alive, was it alive, is it dead, why is it not in heaven, why is it's body still here, why isn’t it buried"... thanks Breakaway "décor staff" for making the concept of death even more confusing for my child and more challenging for me as a mom to explain. :) Just kidding. But I have told Avery, "I am not really sure, since I've never seen heaven, but I tell her why not?" Heaven is a place of perfection, glory... goodness and surely all good things that God created are there, she even asks do we eat or drink in heaven? Ugh!? Someone needs to write a book on how to answer these very specific preschooler questions, hey maybe I'll take that on some day… in my spare time!

Anyways, after about 45 minutes of rocking, my little heartbroken child fell asleep in my arms. I laid her on the couch so she could sleep. Meanwhile my other sweet child, Ben refused to nap in his crib, he missed his entire nap that day! First time ever! Not sure what that was all about, but hey the day was already not going so well, let's just pour salt on it and watch it festure!!!! So while Ben and I played upstairs quietly, Avery slowly woke up. After calling out to me, she refused to come upstairs. I was thinking she did not want to be near Elmo. I felt sad for her fear and discomfort, but understood that was ok and normal for her to feel that way.

After some more cuddling time with both kiddos... Avery began to ask more questions. One that nearly stopped my heart for a moment. "Momma, when Payton died... did you bury her at the cemetery where we go?" GULP, I wasn't sure why that was so tender for me to hear, it wasn't like we hadn't had this conversation before as we have visited Payton's grave over her 5 years of life. But to hear it in that moment and to see how she was beginning to connect the “death dots”, it was quite uncomfortable for me to hear. But I did what any good mom would do, I quickly prayed for wisdom and the right words, took a quiet deep breath and simply said... "Yes baby we did, remember how we have told you Payton's little heart was not able to work well any more... because it was sick... well her little body couldn't work any more either because it needed her heart to help it be alive... and her little soul... the part that is inside of you that makes you feel, think, talk, laugh and be who you are... that part went to heaven... so when that happened it was time for us to have her funeral" and well, that spilled into numerous other questions: "how did you bury her, in what, what did the casket look like, and on and on...” All the time she was asking one question after another so quickly I could hardly catch my breath from the previous question.  I tried to strike a healthy balance of what to say and what not to say and how much is enough, but not too much. I tried to turn the questions back to her sometimes, like "Well what do you think baby?" And there were even several questions I just had to say, "I don't know the answer to that... only God knows". I also tried to assure her of her good health, our good health and our other pets good health and that no one, most importantly her, did anything wrong to cause Elmo to die, it is just what happens. It was quite a powerful talk we had.

After our conversation, Avery said to me... "Mommy, I want to bury Elmo and have a funeral for him". So we made our way to Joanne's craft store and bought a little brown wooden box with hearts on it, pink and red paint, pink and red ribbon (cause pink she said is her favorite color and “red was Elmo’s”) and some sparkling rhinestones to adorn his box with. We came home and she went right to work. It was amazing to see how she was responding to her efforts in doing this last loving act for her beloved fish friend. She sat and smiled while designing it and frequently pointed out to me each little step she was making. When she was done she asked me how to write, "Elmo... love you really much". Truly priceless,  straight from the mouth of babes. It made me think about how healing a funeral or memorial can be for someone who loses someone or something that they love. The acts of the experience bring about healing, connection, celebration, honoring, and letting go...saying goodbye to the one loved and lost. All throughout history, until more present day, families who lost a loved one were responsible for burying there loved ones in different ways than we do today. In doing so, it was often the men of the family that built the casket for the deceased. It was often described as a final act of service of love and depending on the financial status of the family; the caskets would often be built in great detail to exemplify ones love and grief. So... moving away from my tangent... Avery Mae lovingly made her little fish friends final resting place.

After dinner, Avery and I headed off to her first ever Daisy Girl Scouts meeting. She didn't want to miss it and I gave her the choice of staying home or going. She chose going and it was a nice distraction from the day. She met some new little girl friends, learned the Girls Scouts Pledge and planted some marigold seeds. Then we headed home with the plan to have Elmo's final farewell. We gave Avery some choices of when and where to bury Elmo. She chose at night after Ben was in bed, just her, Aren and I, outside on the side of the house by our garden. Daddy dug the hole, while Avery and I prepared little Elmo. Avery asked to use the net to get Elmo out... but then after attempting, anxiously handed it over to me. Bless her heart. While I "fished" him out, Avery carefully lined his little box with tissue so Elmo had something soft to lie on. We laid him in his soft little box and said our goodbyes and closed the box. Avery asked to put his box in the hole, so we let her, and then I said a prayer of love, thanks and healing over Avery. Aren covered Elmo's box with the dirt, then Avery decorated it with flowers she had picked from around the yard. All done by the light of the moon and a single flashlight! I am sure my neighbors were wondering what in the world we were doing.

Then we headed on in and started her bedtime routine. Avery was seeming more like her little self by that point... bouncing from point A to point B as usual, and talking non-stop. But in her little eyes I could still see a little grieving girl. It was breaking my heart. She continued to ask questions about why and how Elmo died and I continued to try to comfort her in my answers. And like she does every night, talked me into cuddling up beside her in bed till she fell asleep. Only this time, I wisely stayed, knowing her little heart really was not wanting to be alone. I laid there beside her, talking with God for quite some time. Thanking Him for the comfort He has given me in my life of 35 years at moments of loss, so that I may comfort others in their times of loss (2 Corinthians 1:4)... family, friends, strangers, but most importantly my sweet child.

It has been 3 days since our Elmo friend went to "Fishy heaven", which is what Avery calls it. The day that Elmo died she told me she wanted to get another fish "that day and a red one like Elmo". I explained to her that another fish will not replace our friend Elmo and that someday we can get another fish, but we need a little time to go by before we do that. She smiled and skipped off. But the grand-daddy of all questions was asked today, "Mommy...if we buried Elmo in the ground... in his box... how come we didn't flush him down the toilet... where all the other fish go to, to get to fishy heaven in the sea... like on Nemo!" UGH! Great more explaining to do!

Enjoy this little clip from The Cosby Show... on how "NOT" to perform a fish funeral for your preschooler... I just love this show!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo_bn2blWSY

Sweet Little One.... Till Heaven We Shall Meet

2010-04-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Creator of the universe

Keeper of the Stars

Guardian of the heavens

Look within my heart

Search the depths of my spirit

Comfort my aching heart

For you are also

Creator of her soul

Keeper of her spirit

Guardian of my child

~Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, MSW "Dear Cheyenne"

Sweet little AnnaBella Grace....this is my prayer for your mommy....and so much more.... look for a little girl with cute blonde curls....her name is Payton.... she'll be your friend for sure... till heaven sweet little one. Love to you and your beautiful mommy.

2010-04-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body. But rather to skid in broadside. Thoroughly used up. Totally worn out. And loudly proclaiming...WOW! What a Ride!"

~Unknown

Just a little quote I recently learned of from a mom friend who is going through a really difficult time right now... I read it and truly couldn't help but smile... at the vision it gave me.... it is soooooo true! Love and Prayers to you Mo.

Some Sites I LOVE

2010-04-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

I know.... I know.... I have been away for over a month... I've been really busy this past month..... God's been doing some amazing things in my life.... and I've been craving writing and I can't wait to share about it all. I have been working on several posts....and hope to wrap them up and post them over the next few weeks. But for something fun... I wanted to share with you a few sites that I love, that I indulge in. One of which is on our computer LIVE...most of the day... The Owl Box! http://www.ustream.tv/theowlbox

We have been watching Molly (mother owl), McGee (daddy owl) and Max, Pattison, Austin and Wesley (the owlets) faithfully and with great devotion. Our like minded, nature loving friends of ours, Noel and Kamden shared there addiction with us....and now we are hooked! We have grown rather attached to this lovely owl family. As well as to Mr. Carlos and Mrs. Donna Royal... the owls "owners". In fact this sickness has a name on their site...it is called "MOD".... "Molly Obsessive Disorder". LOL So funny but true! We bound down the stairs most mornings... and bee-line to our own little virtual pets joyfully anticipating what is in store for Molly and her crew and well... us too. Avery and I love it....Ben even stands on his tippy toes and squeals at the computer screen with glee! Aren shakes his head with a smile as we all run to the screen that is screeching at us... there's exciting stuff going on in that owl box! The great mouse escape, Max swallowing a mouse whole, egg hatching anticipation and good owl McGee's handsome legs....and do I need to say more...with sweet momma Molly.... desperately trying to be the best mommy she knows how to be.... so tired momma Molly... watching her brings me back to the all too familiar days of new momma-hood and sleep deprivation. So sweet momma Molly. We shared the site with some friends....not sure we got anyone else hooked...but we love it and thought we would share our love for the Owl Box again.

Two other sites that I adore are sites that encourage me, inspire me and give me daily insight when I am grasping for my own. The heart of a woman is amazing....so beautifully created by our Father. It is truly a work of Art...after His own heart. For we are told that we are made in His image.... and for that I am encouraged.... thankful. Here are two sites I love that I read frequently....it is filled with the beauty of the woman's heart. I could write on and on about each one... but I will let the sites do the talking for themselves. May you feel encouraged and uplifted as you read from the hearts of many beautiful women.

http://www.incourage.me/
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Enjoy...be uplifted....be changed.

Little Whispers... Big Messages

2010-02-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have been getting lots of little (but oh so big) whispers from God lately. Not real audible whispers (smile) I'm not delusional, but rather whispers to my heart. Little hidden messages that speak to my heart, spirit, soul... that bring peace and comfort; you could even say perspective to my life. Life has felt a little overwhelming to me lately, internally. All the expectations, spoken and unspoken that life can bring. Making sense of this thing called life and well, every day trying to be the woman God has designed me to be. Who I want to be, in Him. Kind of like BIG growing pains. Ha... who am I kidding! I am always going through growing pains. It seems to be a continual process. Perhaps I am alone on this journey. But I would be willing to bet my only dollar (I never have $ on me) that I am not alone on this path. Well, as challenging as it may be sometimes, I am learning to see it as a "good thing." As much as I hope for peaceful contentment, I just don't want to settle for stagnation. I am learning that I am a constant work in progress. As my life changes and as my children grow, as new challenges and experiences come to me; as I age, I am "under construction." Like a lump of clay being shaped by the Potters hands and I am most certain, into something beautiful. Not that I am hideous to begin with and I am referring to inner beauty, my heart. There are times when I feel I fall short and can see that my expectations for myself are not realistic. It is in those moments where I am getting a strong dose of Grace and Mercy to learn from. Where my patience with not only others, but myself are being strengthened. Where I am being refined. It can be a pain staking process if I choose to see it that way. But I am trying to see it rather, as a blessing in the growth of my character.

Last week when the sun blessed us with its presence, the kids and I were outside soaking up some warmth and fresh air. We were exploring all the new signs of Spring that were in our backyard, when Avery and I noticed one of our Weeping Cherry trees had a single bloom on it. We searched the entire tree and saw only one little bloom. Avery said, "Mommy it only has one flower, where are the rest?" Pointing to the many buds on the branches I said, "In there, they are waiting to come out."  Impatiently she said, "When mommy! When! I want to see more now!" Laughing, I reminded her that the tree is growing and that it takes time for all of the blossoms to come out, but soon it will be covered in beautiful blossoms. Satisfied with my answer she ran off to the next plant to explore. But as I walked around the yard our conversation resonated in my mind. I ran in the house and grabbed my camera and snapped these photos. I could not help smiling as I captured God's little message.  It was as if I could hear my own "Father" saying, "Be patient child, you too are growing, you too are blooming one blossom at a time and it all takes time... enjoy the journey of blossoming and remember... you are 'fearfully and wonderfully made.'" ~Psalm 139:14

Just as this message of love began to fade from my heart as the weekend passed by, I was reminded tonight at dinner that God is truly with us... all of the time.  He's familiar with all our ways and knows our anxious thoughts (Psalm 139, by the way can you tell this is my FAVORITE verse!!!). And when we are struggling in life, with carrying our own burdens, our own crosses (Luke 9:23) He reminds us to come to him.... mess and all. Avery, my sweet messenger for God, saw me stressing and struggling. I was rushing to make dinner, pacify my sweet little 15 month old Ben who was hungry, screeching and wanting to be held, answer the ever-ringing telephone, welcome Aren my husband home from work, and try to get myself ready to make it out the door to a parenting class by 6:30, all after a long day with little energy for the moment. Not an easy task and not a peaceful feeling momma. While I tried to keep my composure through it all, I was beginning to feel more anxious. After asking if everyone could go and play in the other room and let mommy focus on getting dinner made, I felt a poke on my side. I looked over my shoulder and standing there was a vision that melted my heart. My sweet Avery completely washed away any tension I was feeling inside and outside, with her loving gesture. She handed me this ceramic cross she had colored with markers and said, "Here mommy, I made this for you."

Fighting back the temptation to say, "Honey I am trying to get dinner made," I realized what she was handing me. I remembered that she had actually colored a set of these ceramic crosses over a year ago, this was no knew creation she had made for me. This loving act spoke to me in so many ways. I, of course, thanked her and hugged her then told her how special it meant to me. Avery asked me why it was special? I told her, "not only is it a gift you made for me and a gift you have wanted to share with me to help me feel better, but it is also a special reminder to mommy to trust in what Jesus did for me... for us." She smiled contently and skipped off (which is her mode of ambulating around lately, I think she has forgotten how to walk, she skips everywhere! Surely it is a sign of 5 year "old hood" and a happy little heart). I sat the cross on the stove, so I could look at it while I was finishing up dinner.  While it saddens me to know I may have burdened my child with my tension, I am so comforted in her little empathetic heart. I can also see how God used my sweet child to lead me back to Him in my anxious thoughts. I was reminded, as I focused on the cross, that no matter how messy things seem to be, bring it to the cross. I know I don't always do it. I run around in life carrying everything on my shoulders, all tense, stressed out and burdened. And I forget that I don't have to do that. I don't have to keep it all to myself. As petty as dinner time chaos can sound, it is real, it is tiring. But I know that whether it is the petty stuff or the big stuff, God says, "Bring it all to me." I am reminded that no matter where I am in life, wherever I am in heart and character, no matter the mess, I can go to Him. Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

The greatest of these is Love

2010-02-17T01:10:00.000-08:00

Valentine's week in our house...is not just a day celebrated on the 14th. But a whole week of celebrating! Celebrating love! Celebrating those we love. So this was our week and we had lots of fun. Avery really thinks it is a "holiday". We started two weeks out, encouraging Avery to sign each of her valentines that she picked out. With 19 classmates, two teachers and lots of other people she loves...she needed plenty of time to practice her name.

Avery's class had a valentine's day party on the Friday before, so we were excited to get creative in the kitchen. One of Avery's favorite things to do is to help in the kitchen, so we decorated some pretzel rods with some melted chocolate and spread the love to some of the teachers at Adventure Christian School. She had a ball...and a full belly too. Messy girl! (Don't worry to those who received these yummy pretzels....any she happened to lick we kept!)

We volunteered to bring some love to her classmates, via heartshaped ham and cheese sammies.

And Avery was dressed and ready for the special day of love with her classmate friends and teachers. But the fun was just beginning.

One of my crafty...scrapbookin' friend, Brenda, shared this on her blog.

"The love bucket". She made one for her husband with little hearts to redeem for things like, "a day to golf," etc.... But Avery and I decided we were going to do hearts with words of affirmation for daddy to take to work. So on about 50 hearts we wrote reasons we love daddy. We wrote some from each of us, including Ben and Payton too. All the wonderful reasons we love our daddy. Then we added the recommened chocolate treat. And decorated it. Little did Avery know, that her daddy and I made one for her too. Hers included not only hearts with words of affirmation, but also fun things to do. Such as, "today you get to pick out mommy/daddy's clothes", "free toenail and fingernail painting", etc... We have had fun with hers and we encouraged daddy to take his to work, for a little love while he is away.

And Aren and I agreed to not "buy" each other gifts. So he got his "love bucket" (thanks to Brenda!...great idea!) and I... got to sleep in and a surprise homemade breakfast with heart shaped pancakes, bacon, fruit and even chocolate! (well maybe I knew a thing or two...never tell Avery a "secret" she'll give out so many hints, the cat will get out of the bag! LOL She told me, "Mommy, you'll love all the smells...but you have to stay in bed for a little longer...it's a surprise"!).

It was a sweet ending to the week.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

~1 Corinthians 13:13 (red text color added)

Creative Kiddo Cookin' in the Kitchen

2010-02-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

What do you do when it is cold and gloomy outside and your kids are climbing the walls and swinging from the curtains to the chandeliers? Create something in the kitchen! When Avery gets her creative juices flowing there is no stopping that girl! She is quite the little chef and would single-handedly cut up everything in my kitchen if I let her. Her and her cute little "knife". (It's a lime green, plastic butter knife). She orders me around the kitchen, as the "Head Chef" requesting ingredients. Some that I cringe at the near future prospect of taste testing. But she is in 7th heaven! She is quite the sweetheart while cooking in the kitchen with me. She repeatedly tells me "your the best mommy ever" and how much she loves me...smacking her lips for another kiss. What can a momma not love about that!? Deal with the mess or being slathered with praise and love from your darling preschooler. Either way....it's mostly a wonderful moment we share together. Not that there are not moments of chaos and huge messes. But I have learned boundaries: the when’s, how, and what’s of cooking with her. The biggest one....don't cook when your tired. As I want it to be an enjoyable moment, where we are building joyful memories, not a moment of impatience and frustration. So under the right circumstances, we usually end up with a "tasty" treat to serve daddy when he gets home from work (LOL), a creative activity to erase away the boredom blues and some fun memories. And usually the only real big mess we end up with is....an adorable 15 month old terrorizing my kitchen cabinets...cause you know...he wants to cook too! Today we actually made something I think daddy might enjoy. Mommy made the stuffed mushrooms and Avery made mushroom bowls (extremely tiny pieces of mushrooms, with little pats of butter, topped with a garlic butter breadcrumb mixture and parmesan cheese). Yummo!

Avery's "Concoction"...it was actually quite tasty!

BAKED STUFFED MUSHROOMS

(I don't drink much...so I left out the Vermouth due to not having any and used fresh garlic instead of garlic powder). This is simple and a tasty little appetizer!

1 stick butter
1 small onion, minced
3 tablespoons Parmesan cheese
1/3 cup sweet Vermouth
1/2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
1 cup plain bread crumbs
1 lb. mushrooms (remove stems and finely chop)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
3/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon oregano

Melt butter in skillet. Cook onion until translucent. Add chopped stems. Stir in bread crumbs, seasonings, and cheese. Brown lightly. Add sweet Vermouth last. Toss lightly to combine well. Stuff mushroom caps with mixture. Bake at 350°F for 15 minutes.

Resource: Cooks.com

I call her my "little chef". And she giggles with great pride and says, "Like Ratatouille!"

Of course Ben had his own "recipe" working too... stinky boy!

Girls Trip to Disneyland!

2010-02-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

Over the past 15 months since Ben's birth, Aren and I have tried to make sure we are intentional about spending 1:1 quality time with Avery. Aren and Avery have had ice cream outings, movies out and in, and even Avery's 1st Women's golf tournament! Avery and I have had pedicures, shopping, crafts, horseback riding, a visit to Mckinnley Park to feed the ducks, squirrels, turtles and anything else living in the park. But I must say our favorite girls time together thus far was our trip to Disneyland! And that one might be impossible to beat.

This past Christmas, Aren and Benjamin surprised us with a "girls only" trip to Disneyland. We were so excited, a little nervous about leaving for so long and being away from Ben, but tickled at the prospect of the time away together at the "Happiest Place on Earth". As the days slowly passed, the excitement and anticipation was more than we could hold in! We had to make paper rings for Avery, to represent the "countdown to Disney" as we were having to remind her daily of when we were leaving. (Note to self...never tell a preschooler your going to Disneyland 3 weeks early.)

The day finally came, with our bags packed, comfy shoes on and one bouncing 4.5 year old...we were off! Daddy held up the fort with Ben at home. They were gonna have male bonding time together. Their plans were to watch sports, toot, scratch, change a few diapers, play and toot some more. And freely with no one complaining!

Avery and I were gone from Sunday midday to Tuesday midday and we truly had a great time! We got a "little" waterlogged while at the park...and not from the water rides. L.A. decided to get the most rain it has received in over 30 years, the 3 days we were there! But who could complain, we were after all in Disneyland. And with the horrible tragedy Haiti was enduring while we were there, it was a quick perspective check to not complain about a single thing. And Avery and I were champs! We hiked all over the parks, soggy prune toes and all. We wore raincoats and rain ponchos to help shield some of the rain. But I must say there is nothing quite like riding Dumbo in the rain! We laughed so hard...as the rain pounded our faces while flying high in a big eared elephant. Then it was a quick trip into Hauf Brau to grab a cup of hot cocoa and warm up. And we were off on our next adventure.

After a day of fun, we would hike back to our room, hang our clothes and shoes to dry and cuddle under the covers watching the Disneyland hotels "princess bedtime stories". It was such a special time for us together. One we will never forget. And Avery was amazing. I am so proud of her stregnth and character. She hiked all over the parks, cold and wet and had such a happy dispostion throughout our visit. Our longest day was 10 ours in the park! We slept good that night!

Thank you daddy and Benjamin for our fun weekend away. We missed you and wished you had been there to share the time with us. But we sure loved the time we had alone. And although we know that we do not need trips to Disneyland to have wonderful quality time together...it was a trip of a lifetime. We felt so fortunate and loved. Thank you, we love you boys.

Avery meeting the many characters of Disneyland...

poor child look how wet her pants were.

Hanging out in Pluto's doggie

bed at Mickey's House

This was before she went down splash mountain! I warned her, we saw the view from outside the ride...she still wanted to ride it...I wondered...hummm

After she went down splash mountain! Bad mommy!!! She actually liked it...don't let this face fool you. Because of the rain, we "walked" on most of the rides and we were allowed to go twice in a row on this one. When the ride guy said, "you wanna go again"? I looked to Avery and she rapidly shook her head yes...and we were off for the second time. It was great! She's a trooper!

We had dinner at Ariel's Grotto our first night there. All the princess' came by to say hi and sign Avery's crown and take a picture. Our dinner was amazing! Avery had "Macaroni & Cheese from the Sea" and I had tri tip. They brought us out a tiered veggie and fruit tray and this was our dessert! The shell and Ariel were all made from white chocolate. We were starving and could hardly stop eating to say hi to the princess'.

Such a beauty...gotta love the simplicity of a carousel.

So mommy was not thinking...and bought Avery this amazing balloon in the Disneyland park. It had white Mickey ears inside a clear balloon and inside the ears a cool red light flashed. It was quite the pride of Avery's trip. A bit of a nusiance to mommy though. The first night we were there, it spent the night in the hotel room closet, cause the flashing light button got jammed and it was keeping me awake! And then our last day...we had to part ways. As we were informed it would explode on the plane...sooooo we were pretty sure Southwest wasn't gonna let it past security. We decided that despite "our" emotional attachment to it, the next best thing was to give it to someone. So we gave it to Princess Jasmine...and asked for her to give it to a special child who was deserving of such a cool balloon. Avery did such a great job passing it on. And even got tickled when she got to see the little boy who received it. What delight she took in the little boys "anonymous gift". It was truly a "proud mommy moment".

Despite Avery looking miserable...we really did have a great time!

"A Triumphant Spirit"...all because of one...amazing child.

2010-01-13T23:31:00.000-08:00

Payton's Tiny Foot and her daddy's thumb~2003

Have you ever walked in this life feeling alone? Do you ever wonder if what your going through is happening only to you. Ever feel like your walking in shoes only made for you…down a path never ventured on before? In 2003, when our daughter Payton was born, I found myself feeling this way. Life was not turning out how “I had planned” it too. News that was mind-numbing, being delivered at what should have been the most exciting time of mine and my husbands life. And a burden placed so heavy on our shoulders it nearly crushed us. And all the while trying so hard to strike a balance of celebrating our daughter’s life with grieving the anticipated loss of it. Two experiences that seemed so unfairly paired. But then God brings someone into your life that reminds you…your not alone. There are others, walking in your similar shoes. You do have someone to reach out to. Someone who can relate to your world. God did just that when he brought into my life, The Newport Family. Scott, Penni, Noah, Chelsea and Evan were brought into my life through the Noonan Syndrome Support Group (www.noonansyndrome.org). Penni and I discovered one another through their on-line email forum, while searching for hope in coping with our children’s diagnosis of Noonan Syndrome. We found hope in one another. Evan and Payton were born 15 months apart. And the Newport’s had already been where we were entering. It was through the forum that Penni and I became friends walking this journey together. We emailed, occasionally talked on the phone, sent one another tokens of love as gifts and found some peace in one another. Through each other we knew we were not alone in how our children shared such similar medical issues.

Payton Hadley Bazzocco May 28, 2003 ~ October 23, 2003

Over the years our experiences took different paths. But tragically we are walking similar paths once again. Their sweet, amazing miracle Evan , went home to be with Jesus on November 27, 2009. Over the years of Evan’s short, but triumphant life…Scott Newport, Evan’s dad, has written down many thoughts, insights and feelings. He has shared them with the masses, all in the name of a father’s love. His “Daily Thoughts” have always been tender, heartfelt stories of life with his son Evan. He continues to write his, “Daily Thoughts” as he copes with the great loss of Evan.

Scott has already changed the world, by simply living as Evan’s dad. One of the tributes to Evan’s life that Scott has accomplished is making children’s furniture out of old, imperfect, unwanted wood. Scott makes the furniture with strong, yet tender hands. And gives it to others out of love and respect for Evan. Scott and Penni’s story…Evan’s story…the Newport’s story is amazing. They bring meaning to what it looks like to live triumphantly. To persevere, to grow in spirit and in character. It breaks my heart repeatedly, as I grieve the loss of Evan…along with Payton. I rest in knowing I will hold Payton again someday and finally meet sweet Evan face to face. Meanwhile, I am asking for two things: prayer and voting. Please pray for my friends, The Newport’s, as they cope with living this life without their precious Evan by their side. I pray you ask for strength, peace, comfort and for God’s love to be seen in the valley they are walking in. Please take a moment and view and vote for a video that was made shortly before Evan’s death. A video that demonstrates, the power of the human spirit to triumphant in life’s overwhelming challenges. If he win’s you have a chance to make a difference in the lives of other families affected by Noonan Syndrome.

http://extraordinarymeasuresthemovie.com/#/quilt

(If your unable to access Scott’s video by this link, you can do a search for his video on the site http://www.extraordinarymeasuresthemovie.com/
type in the search spot for Evan Newport. It will be the image with Scott's hands holding a wooden mallet.) Thank you for your love and support of this amazing family.

~An article written about Evan's death.
http://www.annarbor.com/news/7-year-old-evan-newtons-short-life-brought-hope-to-others/

~A beautiful slide show of The Newport Family...just before Evan's death.
http://www.footprints.myshowit.com/newport/index.html

Our little chair that Scott made for Payton before she died, 2003. Her little sister Avery and little brother Benjamin now enjoy sitting in it. .

Thank you Scott, Penni, Noah, Chelsea and always Evan...for inspiring me. Encouraging me. And sharing with me your sweet little boy Evan. I can only imagine what those two kiddos are up to in heaven. I can almost see them now...running around in heaven with their cute little blonde curls and sweet, spunky spirits. Eating vanilla ice cream cones (another blog entry for another time...about Payton) playing with Evan's favorite toy the flashlight...and keeping the Angels on their toes. And meeting up for a game of hide n seek with many other sweet children, whose wonderful parents have also been brought into my life.... Thank you God for bringing good out of tragedy. In the wonderful friendships and people you've blessed me with...so none of us have to walk this sometimes, lonely, journey alone.

The "Bumps" & "Bruises" of Life

2010-01-08T15:16:00.000-08:00

Life is full of “bumps” and “bruises”… here is one of Benjamin’s first. Being a boy, I am sure first of many. This was a mishap as he and Avery took turns pushing each other around in the Radio Flyer Walker Wagon. Yes I said, “took turns.” This little 14 month old was pushing his 4 ½ year old sister around in the wagon too! It was a sight to see. Hilarious! While momma did not see the actual cause leading to the incident…I am sure it had something to do with exceeding a safe speed as they rounded the kitchen island counter or breaking too hard at the last minute and flying overboard--can we say “man overboard?”

Needless to say we got high pitch screaming, Avery looking like she did something she shouldn’t have and quickly slipping in a “I’m sorry”, to a first nose bleed. After peace was restored, we assessed the damage, then made a quick call to the ole’ advice nurse…cause it‘s free! Which left us with some reassurance that all was probably well, but to just be sure let‘s make life more exciting…“you can only let him sleep for maximum 2 hours for his nap and then tonight after he falls asleep, wake him after 2 hours.” What! Wake a sleeping baby! Let’s just say our night was not about peaceful zzzzz’s. We were up watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse till 1:30 a.m. He thought it was his second nap of the day. UGH!!! Momma’s dragging today. I need some Dove chocolate and a iced white chocolate mocha ASAP!

While I know I can’t always prevent these things from happening…I sure would like to. Can’t I just put him in a bubble? Both of them? Wrap them up tight in bubble wrap! I know… It really is true when it was said, “Making the decision to have a child is truly momentous. It is deciding forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.” (~Quote is from Elizabeth Stone). Ah… Lord please give me strength….give me strength.

p.s. This just in! Apparently, the Radio Flyer Wagon has claimed another victim. Our little friend, Hunter L. fell victim to it's wiley ways earlier this week. While playing joyfully, he took a dive head first into it’s railing and bought himself a trip to the ER, a dermabond treatment and one worried momma E. Can we say "recall"! My only wonder….who will be next? They say things happen in 3’s. Suydam family be on alert!

A Blessed Holiday Season

2010-01-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and are feeling refreshed and renewed to start out the New Year! We have all been enjoying our time off together… Aren had a little time off from work, Avery was off from school and I had a break in MOPS, my Bible study ended…and well life just slowed down so nicely for us.

We had a wonderful Christmas and New Years Eve. We spent the week of Christmas nursing Benjamin and Aren through their winter colds they caught…no fun for them and little sleep for all of us. And just when things started to wear us down, we were totally lifted up by the “AMAZING” Christmas Service our church (Bayside) held. It was truly the perspective we needed! The music was amazing…how can you ever go wrong with Lincoln Brewster…the awesome lighting and a crazy drum solo. Our Pastor Ray’s sermon was life giving and truly brought to us the true meaning of Christmas. A very special birthday…Christ being born for us. At one point in the service the music was so profound for me, that I had a sense of feeling close to Payton…through it…as if she was there with us. It was truly a gift…I craved more of it. It was such a wonderful service, I wanted to share it with all I knew. My friend Amber went with us the first night and two nights later I stood in line with my friend Nikki, her family and Avery (she loved it!) for an hour to get in without tickets (they use tickets cause over 30,000 people attend every year and it helps things work) and then I talked a friend into going to the 11 p.m.Christmas Eve service. I wanted to go…but had some “things” to take care of so had to sit that one out! She later told me it made her season! It was awesome.

Then we went with my in-laws and walked Christmas Street and enjoyed all the wonderful Christmas decorations…Avery and Ben loved it! Avery’s favorites were the “Princess/Disney” themed yards. I loved the ones where Santa was kneeling over baby Jesus praying…so sweet. Then we went to Christmas Eve service at Adventure Christian Church (our old church…but still in our hearts) with my in-laws and some friends. Then back to great-grandma’s for pizza. As we left we drove the neighborhood searching for “Rudolf’s” red blinking nose leading Santa’s sleigh and we found it! “Wink” Wink” Then it was off to bed so Santa could come.

Avery and Ben woke to their gifts under the tree. Avery was one happy little girl and got just what she had asked Santa for… “a blue bike, a guitar and a Barbie”. Ben of course got his very own baby drum and instrument set to play along in Avery’s band, a mini-four wheeler…that is absolutely hilarious to see him ride, and a ball pit. Then we headed over great-grandma Barnett’s for the morning to open presents with family in our P.J’s. It is quite the scene! There are 13 great-grandchildren all together (including our sweet Payton), ranging in the ages from the 3.5 month old twins to I believe 17 years old. Most of the kiddos are on the younger end. So it is kids running around like crazy monkeys, generous piles of presents (where inevitably someone will end up opening someone else’s gift...it happens every year and wouldn't be our Christmas if it didn't happen at least one time) and lots of chattering and laughter. It is chaotic but such a great time! And Avery loves it and adores playing with her cousins! We even had Christmas dinner twice that day. Once at my in-laws and later that evening we went to my dad’s and spent some time with my side of the family to celebrate. It was a long day and late night…but we loved spending time with everyone. It is times like this we are beautifully reminded just how fortunate we are to have so many loved family and friends in our lives...we are truly grateful.

New Years Eve was spent having a sleepover at our house with one of my best friends, Nikki and her family. They all came over and we slaved away in the kitchen for about 4 hours and made my mom’s loaded potato soup and to die for sour kraut buns…YUMMO! Made me miss my mom. And later that evening we roasted marshmallows and drank hot chocolate by the fire pit out back. Lastly, we put the kiddos to bed and the adults hung out till the stroke of midnight chit chatting and watching the ball drop. Then it was lights out for us old folks. We had the pleasure to wake and start our New Year with great friends, Monkey Bread and the promise of a New Year! It was perfect and a great way to end and start out our year. We are blessed!

~Here are some pictures of our trip to Snowy Peaks Christmas Tree Farm and our 2009 Christmas Tree, Avery and her teacher Mrs. Ralston and her preschool Christmas Performance, and of course Avery and her baking face! And lastly...Benjamin took his first steps!!!! He walks about 1/4 of the time and the rest he crawls. He looks like Frankenstein. What happened to my little baby.. he is becoming a toddler. So bittersweet...sniff sniff, but cute!

I thank my God each time I think of you...Phil. 1:3

2009-11-30T12:18:00.000-08:00

So we are almost a week past Thanksgiving….I had this amazing post typed up last Friday….and well….let’s just say I have learned a thing or two about posting. That is what to do and not do…so you don’t accidentally erase your precious efforts. Ugh! Lessons learned…lessons learned. So I feel the wind is out of my sails a bit with this post…but I do want to share some photos at least of the holiday… Enjoy!

I will say it was a joyful day. We spent the day with my lovely in-laws and stuffed ourselves to the gills. Avery and my nephew Brody and I went on a leaf hunt around the neighborhood…collecting anything and everything that looked interesting! I am still finding remnants of it all in my house. All for the love of my sweet preschoolers creative development. We attempted a few art projects in our spare time that day: leaf rubbings and a leaf placemat made of leaves ironed in between wax paper. It actually turned out. We snacked, played with the kids, held my sweet newborn nephews Braxton and Barrett and snacked some more. We took our annual traditional turkey day photos….our “turkey head” pictures and the beautiful maple tree pictures in Mema and Pepa Bazzocco’s front yard. We have taken these photos every year since Avery was born and plan to take them throughout their childhood. It is fun already to look back over the past 4 years and see them and how the kids are changing.

Then after dinner, we headed over to my dads house. Where my step-mom prepared a Turkey and Ham dinner for the masses! While we didn’t eat dinner again…we certainly snacked on anything and everything. There are always more people at their house than we can really count and it is fun to visit with everyone…family and friends, too. And of course the visit is not complete in Avery’s book unless it includes a trip out to the barn to visit with all the horses, chickens, peacocks (her Halloween costume inspiration) and the barn cats. She is at most home in that barn. She just beams and radiates pure joy. It is fun to watch and appreciate her love for nature. Humm…the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree…does it.

So, I almost forgot…my post title…and the main reason of the Thanksgiving holiday. I spent the day really reflecting on what it was that I was truly most thankful for…and like I said I had this wonderful post explaining in eloquent detail my feelings…that somehow it vanished. I will say simply this….I am always grateful for my beautiful children….as they are truly a gift from God…I am always grateful for my husband, as he too…is a gift to me too. And of course I could really go on and on about what all I am thankful for…cause there truly is so much. But it simply is…my faith. I am grateful for the hope that Jesus brings. I am thankful. In all my grumbling and complaining…I lose site of what is important at moments. But I know…that it all boils down to one thing to be truly thankful for. Thanks God….thanks for Jesus.Becuase of Him...no matter what this life brings...no matter the loss, pain, sorrow or hardship...their is Hope beyond the valley. And something so wonderful to look forward to. And how awesome it is to know we are not doing this thing called life...alone...ever! And for that I am thankful.

Big Boy Ben's 1st Birthday

2009-11-14T00:05:00.000-08:00

We can hardly believe our little man is 1 year old! This year went by so quickly. We cannot fully explain how much richer Benjamin makes our life. Our home is happier...livelier, and full of even more love...if that is possible. He is our quiet little soul, who literally makes our hearts smile. Avery tells us all of the time how much she loves Benjamin and that she wants another baby. I don't think she really knows what she is asking for. She too loves his presence in our home. We had a fun party for Ben and were so happy to celebrate with some of our family and friends. His party theme was all about bouncy balls! And boy did the kids have a ball! We ate pizza and a cake that was also shaped like a round ball! Ben ate his little cake and enjoyed it. He was rather reserved in his messiness. Only a little to clean off his face...unlike his adventurous, spirited sister who literally had it in every nook and cranny on her head and had to go straight to the tub! We are so grateful to God for the gift He gave us in Ben...and we are so excited to raise him and see what God does in his life as he grows into a young man.

Avery Mae striking a pose!

Mommy and her little man, Ben

Ben and his not so favorite birthday hat

Our messy boy!

Oh boy presents for me! "Daint too"

Out with the Old..in with the New...5bazocs Blog!

2009-10-30T23:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome to our new family blog. Many of you have been visiting our old "4bazocs" family site for over the past 6 years...and well if you haven't noticed...I am still newly pregnant on the home page! 4bazocs.com was lovingly designed by my wonderful husband, Aren...who started it with the efforts to update all of our family and friends on how our lives were with our sweet Payton. Ironically...or not so ironically, prior to Payton's birth, Aren had taught himself the website programming from a book. When Payton was born and there was so much to keep family and friends up to date on...he decided it was a great way to share with everyone who wished to know how she was doing. It was amazing...a gift he created...to share about our lives and to show pictures to family and friends far away. Over the years it has remained a site to honor Payton, but also to share about Avery and of course a little of Ben. Aren did such an amazing job with the site...we are sad to let it go...but the upkeep of the site is too much work with our busy little lives. Poor Ben has hardly made an appearance on it! Hopefully this little blog will be more manageable. I have to say I am a little resistant to modern day technology...and almost find myself snickering at the fact that "I" have a blog....but I would love to have a place to keep distant family and friends up to date on the kiddos...and then again I have always been a journaler...so I can almost see myself using this thing. Only time will tell. Enjoy and welcome!