Her impression... 9 years later

I am up past midnight... welcoming in the 28th.  The 9th anniversary of my beautiful baby girls birth day.  Payton would be 9 years old today.  The memories of the eve of her birth are still so fresh in my mind, that at moments it feels like only yesterday.  With everything we have been experiencing lately, the memories seem to be even clearer lately.  Years past, the anticipation of Payton's birthday felt in my heart much different than it has this year.  I've been a little distracted.... a little focused. 

But tomorrow.... will be a day set aside just for you sweet baby girl.  You are not here for us to throw you a big 9th birthday party, but we are setting the day aside to honor your memory, celebrate your life and to feel the love we have solely for you, our precious little one.  I write little one and my mind immediately wonders.... who are you in heaven?  I'll have to wait till I see you there to know.  We love you baby girl, our Love Bug.  You are so missed.  You are never far from our hearts and our continued thoughts.  You will always be missed, never replaced and always cherished. 

This past week your little sister, Avery and I have been going through tubs of clothing getting ready for your other little sister's birth.  Avery asked me with great excitement if we could go through your tub of clothing I've saved.  As we explored, oohed and awed over every little thing in your box, the one thing that impressed Avery the most were your tiny, delicate socks.  She asked me, "Mommy were Payton's feet really that tiny"?  I showed her the foot mold we made of you the night you went to be with Jesus, she was able to see a 3-d version of your feet and see just how tiny they really were. 

Even I.... had almost forgotten.

So I look at this photo your father took of the two of you and I am so touched and reminded by how one tiny set of feet could make such an enormous impression on our hearts and lives.  Our hearts will forever be impressed with your life... your presence, precious daughter. 

We love and miss you. 

Happy 9th Birthday Payton Hadley.

His Why

I grew up in a small town in Kentucky. Radcliff was one of those towns that was "safe". We could go off and explore the woods near our home and mom rarely worried. We could ride our bikes, literally all over town. It wasn't Mayberry, but it was still small. Most of the friends I graduate from high school with, were friends I started elementary school with. I grew up feeling a part of a community and I was blessed to have many friends share my entire childhood school years with me.

As safe as it felt, and as close knit as it could be; we were not immune to pain, sorrow or loss. As a young child, heaven became very real to me. I learned at a very young age that life is not to be taken for granted and that there is so much more to live for than just this lifetime. I was impacted by eternity before I could comprehend it.  Today, at 36 years old... I still cannot comprehend it, but I am trying.

As I was becoming a teen, I learned that sometimes children are called home to heaven before their parents. At thirteen, I was asking a question that I am most certain went all the way back to Eve. Eve was the first woman on earth and she was the first mother. She was also the first mother to bury her child. I am most certain... she was the first mother to ask the question of “Why?”, as she grieved.

On May14, 1988, as our community learned of the tragedy of the Carrolton Bus Accident where we lost so many loved ones, we found ourselves asking, "Why?". We witnessed so many mothers and fathers, families...bury their sweet children. We too, couldn't help but to ask, "Why?".

It was through the accident that God gave me a gift and impacted me eternally. I came to know Jesus through that tragedy.

This Saturday, May 28th is the 8th anniversary of my sweet little girls’ birth. I would have an 8 year old right now... Payton would be 8. How has 8 years passed already?  I say it in a way that expresses speed... yet I also say it in a way that translates...disbelief. How ever have we lived this long without her? Over the past 8 years, I have asked a lot of "Why's?”. Some I have answers to... some I am still working on... some I am certain will not come this side of eternity.

Since May of 1988, my eyes were forever opened to the sensitivity, yet commonality of child loss. While working at UC Davis Children's Hospital in pediatrics, I witnessed so many sweet children's untimely deaths. I saw and heard the "Why's?”, I felt them too.

Over this past week I have been following the tragic loss of lives and homes to the Midwest tornados. I have been particularly touched by one beautiful family who lost their two sweet little boys. This family also suffered serious injuries to another child, to the pregnant mom and the loss of their home. I don't know this family, I have just been deeply touched by what they have gone through. Never wanting to see another mother or father bury their child(ren). So many questions of, "Why?".

I can't help but to wonder how many more "Why's" I might ask in my lifetime... I pray to be spared from any more of my own personal ones.... but know that that is not likely. Not to sound like a pessimist, it is just reality. We were never promised to be spared loss and grief, death became an option from the start of Adam and Eve's free will.  But what we were promised is to never be left alone... to never be abandoned. To be loved. Redemption is Promised. Hope and Great Plans are Promised. And not just the Hope of heaven is Promised (not to minimize heaven) but the Hope of a "New Earth!"

I've recently been reading more about heaven lately. I guess I have felt ready to “fully release” the very real reality that that is where Payton is. I have certainly sought it out before...but something has changed in me lately. I think that “thing” that has changed is, I am finding myself desiring less to ask... "Why?".

I surrender.

From Eve, to May 14th, to Payton, to that sweet family to..... I am tired of asking, "Why?".

While I know it is ok to ask the question, "Lord what have you done...? Why have you allowed this?" I am tired of asking it. I went back and read Genesis 3:13. Even God himself asks Eve... "What have you done?". But the difference is HUGE! Perhaps not even comparable. This comparison is almost more than I can wrap my finite mind around.

But what I take from it is this: 

God didn't have to or even need to ask that question of Eve. He knew. But he loved her enough to hear her words. While great tragedy occurred and great consequences came... God heard her.

And when Christ was on the cross, moments before he took his last breath... he too asked, "Why?" and it was then, that God himself... lost His Child.

The answer to His "Why?".... to finish God's Work.

Because of that "Why", I will see my friends in heaven someday.  I will hold my sweet Payton again never to say goodbye ever again.  And the family whose sons died and so many others will be with their sweet children, again and we will be with our Father God... someday.

So as Saturday approaches... this is what I want to celebrate and focus my heart and love on...

"HIS WHY".

Happy 8th Birthday Sweet Baby Girl... until heaven!

 Aside from the Bible... here are a few books I recommend reading on grief and heaven:
*Heaven by Randy Alcorn
*Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar
*Heaven is Real by Todd Burpo

Today, we light a candle in memory of...

As some of you know, over seven years ago  our daughter Payton died at the young age of four months and twenty-five days.  It is hard to believe we would have a seven year old today and that it has been seven years since she went home to Heaven. Today, December 12th is the day we remember our children who have died by lighting a candle at 7pm for one hour. Thanks to Compassionate Friends, a non-profit support group for bereaved parents, all over the world candles will be lit for 24hrs in loving memory of children who died too soon.

World Wide Candle Lighting in Memory of Children

The Christmas after Payton died, I wanted to find a way to remember and honor Payton.  I found this sterling silver candle at Potterybarn and had it engraved, "Our Hearts Remember".  It has been lit over the past seven years as we have honored and remembered Payton.  On her birthdays, anniversaries, at family gatherings for holiday events standing in as a representation that her memory lives on, her life lives on in heaven with Christ our Light and that she will always be with us in our hearts.  This candle will be lit in our home for not only Payton, but for so many other children that have gone too soon. Children I helped care for at UC Davis Children’s Hospital, children of friends who God brought into my life after our children had died and have walked alongside Aren and I in our grief journey.  As well as children who I do not know but feel sorrow at their untimely deaths. One of these children who I have loved, adored and had become a part of my soul, but I never met in person is sweet Evan Newport. As some of you may have read in the past on my blog, Evan and his family mean the world to me and God has used them repeatedly over the past seven years to bless me with their friendship. The following story was written by Scott Newport, Evan’s daddy, and I wanted to share it with you on this day of remembrance.

Two for Two
By Scott Newport

“Scott did you hear what you just said?”

“Yea, what do you mean?”

“Let me play back the recorder and you can listen for yourself.” This conversation took place at a small desk on the tenth floor of a downtown hotel in Dallas Texas. Everett Marshal was interviewing me for a Children’s’ Miracle Network radiothon in the Detroit area, my home. I was there for a Patient and Family Centered Care conference, a representative for the University of Michigan’s Mott hospital. Everett and I met a few years back; he flew in from St. Louis .

Before he could play it back, I knew what he was talking about and said, “I know its sounds odd but that’s the way Penni and I thought. Her prayer was Evan would die when he was at his best. Mine was I would be there when he took his last breath.”

Evan had an incurable heart condition associated with Noonan syndrome. After spending the first 252 days of his life in an ICU we learned medicine is not an exact science and took Evan home.

As Everett and I continued to talk off- mike I remembered another prayer I pleaded to God. This was during the early months in the hospital. Penni called me one afternoon telling me to come quick as the doctors thought Evan may die in the next few hours. Evan was four months old at the time.  I immediately turned my truck around and as I hurried to the hospital I prayed, “Lord please heal Evan’s heart and lungs. Lord, let your mighty strength be seen by all.”  Before I could even think another thought God spoke to me in my mind and said, “Scott, what if I let Evan die and through his life my greatness will shine brightly.”  That day was a turning point in my life. As a father I am always trying to fix things, make things better for family. But in this case I was helpless and that day I was comforted by knowing I could lean on my Father.

The title of this devotion is two for two but maybe it should be titled three for three. You see Evan did die last year, the day after Thanksgiving. He was doing great that morning and was playing with a Christmas globe, you know the kind that lights up and plays Christmas carols. Penni and I both walked into his home ICU and found him lifeless in his crib, both our prayers were answered.

And yes Evan’s life lives on in many shinning ways. If you walk into the University of Michigan ’s children’s hospital today you will clearly see a large hanging banner that reads, “Evan Newport Hope Award.” These are awards given to staff for excellence in patient and family centered care.  Even though the HOPE is an acronym for something else, I tell folks it also means, Helping Other’s Perceive Eternity.

Evan was seven years old when he went into eternity with our God.

Isaiah 40: 8
The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the word of our God shall stand for ever.

Ladybug Kisses & Pink Balloon Wishes....

Ladybug, Ladybug...
you flew away Home.
I held you for a moment,
you were only on loan.

Though a world apart,
I wait to unite...
I hold onto your memory
with all of my might.

God's Promises hold true,
His redemption is clear.
Though our time to be together...
seems farther than near.

So I rest in His Word,
His Peace and His Love...
While missing you each day,
He guides me gently from above.

In His arms you rest whole,
your life is complete.
A truth I hold dearly,
so tender... so sweet. 
~Written by Heather Bazzocco, mommy... for Payton on her 7th birthday 5~28~10

Happy 7th birthday, my sweet daughter... my little lovebug!  I love you... and will always miss you, till our Heavenly Father gently lays you back into my arms.  I am so proud to be your mommy.  Thank you my brave little soul.  You have made my life complete.
Love mommy

There's a jokester in every bunch!

Sweet Avery decorating her sisters grave with all the heartfelt mementos she made for her.  Though Avery never got to meet her big sister... she knows her... loves her... and misses her presence in her life.  I am touched deeply by Avery's heart.  She is amazingly giving, empathetic, and tender hearted.  I am so proud of her. 

When talking with Avery the night before Payton's birthday... Avery said she, "wished we could go out to Payton's grave and release ladybugs and pink balloons" something we have done on past birthdays.  They clearly have made such an impression on her little heart, that she wanted to do them again.  It made the day special... and the children loved it.  Avery Mae (5), Benjamin (19mo), Brody (27mo) and the twins, Braxton and Barrett (8mo) all were a part of celebrating Payton's 7th birthday. 

 As our time celebrating at Payton's grave came to an end. I glanced up from under her Willow where I was standing and there attached to a branch directly over her grave, was a cocoon. I am not sure if it is a butterfly or a moth cocoon. I tried to search on-line, but was not able to determine what lies inside to 100%. Truthfully that is not what really matters. What matters is what it reminded me of. How we change... how Payton changed. Many have heard of the analogy used of the life of a caterpillar to the life of a human. We exist in this world as living human beings, caterpillars if you will. Then we die (cocoon). Then if we are believers and followers in Christ... we emerge in new, glorious bodies in heaven (butterflies). Well some of us... are just moths. No, just kidding. The whole process, whether a butterfly or a moth... is a miracle. It is amazing! Go out into nature and everywhere you look God has wonderfully orchestrated His story into each living thing. The symbolism of birth, life, and death is everywhere. You cannot escape, you should not disbelieve it, you cannot discount it. And God is so amazing that He gives us the life of a butterfly to learn from. All throughout the Bible, Christ would talk in parables, stories. He would use a story to symbolize a deeper meaning, a greater point. A moral to the story, to teach others...and us today.  In the creation of the butterfly, He has given us yet another perfect parable... another symbol... of the cycle of life. Believe in the powers of God to create magnificent new life, to believe the miracle that God transforms caterpillars into butterflies, to believe the miracle that God transforms earthy bodies into heavenly bodies. Like He has done for Payton.

As Christ talked in analogy in Psalm 22:6, Jesus talked about His death and resurrection.  Saying, "I am a worm, and no man..."  because He would rise again in a glorified body just like the caterpillar who emerges from his "tomb-like chrysalis/cocoon" in the form of a butterfly.  Is it any surprise that God would leave us tangible evidence that such a transformation CAN and DOES happen. 

Richard Buckminster Fuller wrote, "There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly". This quote is so true.  If you were to look at a caterpillar would you ever believe it could and does change into a beautiful, delicate butterfly?  But it does!  Thank you God for this miracle, this tangible piece of evidence that one form can and does change miraculously into another form.

Such a reminder of how we are changed, and transformed in death is talked about in 1 Corinthians 15: 12-58.  (NIV)   "35 How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?" 36How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 37When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. 38But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. 39All flesh is not the same: Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. 40There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. 41The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

42 So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.  If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body."

There is so little I feel I need to say after these verses.  They speak for themselves.  So today as I saw the cocoon... I saw it as one of God's redemptive reminders to me... to my family.  A reminder that Payton lives on... that she is in her new body.  Just like that butterfly or moth will soon be too.  In fact we all, through our faith in Christ, can be transformed when it is our time to form our own cocoons.   

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." ~Richard Bach

 

"A Triumphant Spirit"...all because of one...amazing child.

Payton's Tiny Foot and her daddy's thumb~2003

Have you ever walked in this life feeling alone? Do you ever wonder if what your going through is happening only to you. Ever feel like your walking in shoes only made for you…down a path never ventured on before? In 2003, when our daughter Payton was born, I found myself feeling this way. Life was not turning out how “I had planned” it too. News that was mind-numbing, being delivered at what should have been the most exciting time of mine and my husbands life. And a burden placed so heavy on our shoulders it nearly crushed us. And all the while trying so hard to strike a balance of celebrating our daughter’s life with grieving the anticipated loss of it. Two experiences that seemed so unfairly paired. But then God brings someone into your life that reminds you…your not alone. There are others, walking in your similar shoes. You do have someone to reach out to. Someone who can relate to your world. God did just that when he brought into my life, The Newport Family. Scott, Penni, Noah, Chelsea and Evan were brought into my life through the Noonan Syndrome Support Group (www.noonansyndrome.org). Penni and I discovered one another through their on-line email forum, while searching for hope in coping with our children’s diagnosis of Noonan Syndrome. We found hope in one another. Evan and Payton were born 15 months apart. And the Newport’s had already been where we were entering. It was through the forum that Penni and I became friends walking this journey together. We emailed, occasionally talked on the phone, sent one another tokens of love as gifts and found some peace in one another. Through each other we knew we were not alone in how our children shared such similar medical issues.

Payton Hadley Bazzocco May 28, 2003 ~ October 23, 2003

Over the years our experiences took different paths. But tragically we are walking similar paths once again. Their sweet, amazing miracle Evan , went home to be with Jesus on November 27, 2009. Over the years of Evan’s short, but triumphant life…Scott Newport, Evan’s dad, has written down many thoughts, insights and feelings. He has shared them with the masses, all in the name of a father’s love. His “Daily Thoughts” have always been tender, heartfelt stories of life with his son Evan. He continues to write his, “Daily Thoughts” as he copes with the great loss of Evan.

Scott has already changed the world, by simply living as Evan’s dad. One of the tributes to Evan’s life that Scott has accomplished is making children’s furniture out of old, imperfect, unwanted wood. Scott makes the furniture with strong, yet tender hands. And gives it to others out of love and respect for Evan. Scott and Penni’s story…Evan’s story…the Newport’s story is amazing. They bring meaning to what it looks like to live triumphantly. To persevere, to grow in spirit and in character. It breaks my heart repeatedly, as I grieve the loss of Evan…along with Payton. I rest in knowing I will hold Payton again someday and finally meet sweet Evan face to face. Meanwhile, I am asking for two things: prayer and voting. Please pray for my friends, The Newport’s, as they cope with living this life without their precious Evan by their side. I pray you ask for strength, peace, comfort and for God’s love to be seen in the valley they are walking in. Please take a moment and view and vote for a video that was made shortly before Evan’s death. A video that demonstrates, the power of the human spirit to triumphant in life’s overwhelming challenges. If he win’s you have a chance to make a difference in the lives of other families affected by Noonan Syndrome.

http://extraordinarymeasuresthemovie.com/#/quilt

(If your unable to access Scott’s video by this link, you can do a search for his video on the site http://www.extraordinarymeasuresthemovie.com/
type in the search spot for Evan Newport.  It will be the image with Scott's hands holding a wooden mallet.) Thank you for your love and support of this amazing family.

~An article written about Evan's death. 
http://www.annarbor.com/news/7-year-old-evan-newtons-short-life-brought-hope-to-others/

~A beautiful slide show of The Newport Family...just before Evan's death. 
http://www.footprints.myshowit.com/newport/index.html

Our little chair that Scott made for Payton before she died, 2003.  Her little sister Avery and little brother Benjamin now enjoy sitting in it.  .   

Thank you Scott, Penni, Noah, Chelsea and always Evan...for inspiring me.  Encouraging me.  And sharing with me your sweet little boy Evan.  I can only imagine what those two kiddos are up to in heaven.  I can almost see them now...running around in heaven with their cute little blonde curls and sweet, spunky spirits.  Eating vanilla ice cream cones (another blog entry for another time...about Payton) playing with Evan's favorite toy the flashlight...and keeping the Angels on their toes.  And meeting up for a game of hide n seek with many other sweet children, whose wonderful parents have also been brought into my life....  Thank you God for bringing good out of tragedy.  In the wonderful friendships and people you've blessed me with...so none of us have to walk this sometimes, lonely, journey alone.