She is clothed with strength and dignity... Proverbs 31:25

I had been holding onto it for decades...truthfully for a lifetime.  I didn't want to throw it away, give it away or even show anyone it, for fear others would try to take it from me.  I often wished and prayed about wanting to get rid of it, but I felt powerless to hand it over.  It had become such a familiar fixture in my life, that it was kind of like an old familiar hat, comfortable, yet I recently noticed I was starting to outgrow it.  Others have one like it, and most don't want to get rid of theirs either.  In some strange way, holding on to it made me feel power over it, when in reality holding onto it, gave it power over me.  I knew that, but still, I felt I didn't know how to part with it.... it had been around for too long.  It was all I really knew.  What would I do after I got rid of it, what would I replace it with?  What would fill that gaping hole?  What would I be like without it, would it come back?  Would it be a part of me forever?  What would it do to the one who gave it to me?  After all, I didn't think it was my choice that I had it in my possession to begin with.  I never really wanted it to be with me in the first place.  But, it was mine... all mine.

Decades of hurt and disappointment lurked around.  Filled with sorrow and anger.  One broken heart, breaking another.  Poor choices, lost perspective, unfocused purpose, and mind-numbing pain all surrounded it.  From one to another, it was passed along.  Attempts to handle it other ways, better ways were tried, but to no avail, it was done alone, with out Direction.  Decades later the remains still linger.  Carrying on and weighing down.  Threatening to start the cycle, once again.  Unless and until it's holder, let's it go... gives it away and turns to the only One who can take it from us.  If... we choose to give it away.

Bitterness.  Anger.  Hurt.  Sorrow.  Mistrust.  Hatred.  Unforgiving.  Doubt.  And the list goes on... I was hanging on to each one...  Like a layered wardrobe, I was fully clothed in them.  Being weighed down and burdened by the load.  I was never free to enjoy life without them.  When the environment around me was there for me to enjoy, I struggled to do so, because I was poorly dressed.  I took it everywhere I went and I often tried to leave layers with others.  Here... take this layer.  Here, take that layer.  I often didn't even realize that I was passing out my layers to others.  Just when I thought I was freeing myself of a layer, I was actually putting more layers on.  These were layers that weren't meant to be shared, to be given away to others.  As they were similar to what others wore, but they were custom fit for me.  They couldn't be tucked away for the next season.  They had to be either worn or purposefully given away to the only One who has the power to take them away and destroy them. 

I had tried for years, almost two decades to release these layers.  To give them away, free my luggage from this baggage.  I consulted others about how and when I should give it away, trying to understand why it was given to me, and why I kept it around for safe keeping.  I would try only to repack my bags once again... and schlep it alongside me further down the road.  I tried not to wear the layers around others, knowing they had long gone out of style and fearing others would call me on it.  It took a long time to realize that as long as I held onto that old stuff, the less room I had for new stuff.... perhaps stuff that fit me better.  Stuff that allowed me to be the me, the true me the Grand Designer made me to be.  It was when I finally started looking at how my children looked at me with such love, respect and admiration.  That I truly realized that they might and probably saw some of those layers I was wearing around them.  Layers that they might want to ask to wear themselves, borrow, perhaps even take as a hand me down.  I knew that those layers were not meant for them, only me.  And that I needed to throw them out into the give away pile.  The pile that would go to the only One who could make good use out of them.  So.... when I finally made the decision, I called out one last time, and asked to be stripped clean.  To be made into a new creation.  To be free of the things I held onto for so long, for fear that if I forgave... I would be giving back that layer to the one who gave it to me.  And that I wouldn't know what to do without it, without it's familiar weight it laid upon me.  I was able to see how the things I gave away, were the very things I had been given as hand me downs from the one's who gave them to me. For they had not been able to free themselves of them in time to prevent the generational inheritance that comes with such things. 

It was with those understanding eyes, by the Wisdom and Grace of the Designer, that I then saw just how it all began.  It was created, worn, washed, and passed along, only to be worn and washed and passed along again.  But asking for it to be permanently washed clean and something new given in its place, was when it all changed.  While I like my new layers and I am adjusting to this new fit.  I recognize that it might not always be easy being free of those old duds and that I might want to resort back to putting on the ole' cozies.  But I am assured that before long these new duds will be a perfect fit and I will never take them off for the old stuff again.  It is a choice being clothed with something new, something more fitting from the Designer Himself.  A choice I will embrace.  A choice that is much lighter, much more taylored made for me.  You never know... maybe I'll start a fad.      

 Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

 Articles on Forgiveness from Focus on the Family
What the Bible says about Forgiveness