"Quiet Time"

Daily I struggle with how to wisely use "my" time.  I fight my own desire with setting my own schedule, and not turning to someone wiser, who created time and has my days numbered.  I struggle with discerning how God wants me to use it, who does He want me to encourage or support, what does He want me to accomplish, the list goes on....

I try to pray for wisdom and discernment in how to best use my time and for God to help me to know "my time" is not just my time... but His.

I long for time alone. I rarely dislike being alone. I've always been that way. I am most "still" when I am alone and my soul craves that.

So when I get alone time, I tend to feel an internal struggle with how to use it and how to protect it. Sometimes, I don't want to "share" it and sadly, sometimes that means I neglect to set aside some of that time to spend with the Lord. I want to spend time in His word, growing, learning and drawing closer to Him through that time.

I struggle with just "sitting down" and reading His word.  I know it can be a challenge to do when you’re a mom of little ones. I usually have time in the afternoon when my son is napping and my daughter is in quiet time playing. But I still feel the lure of that perpetual "to-do" list.

While I am not striving for perfection, I do feel I can improve in my being intentional about time reading God's Word... His instructions for my life...His way of being in relationship with me and me with Him.

I am not proud of my struggle, but I recognize it for what it is. Sometimes I have even noticed, that when I spend time reading the Word, I can't get enough of it, and I don't want to stop.  Also, I find myself feeling irritated if I get interrupted while I am spending time with the Lord.  So the pendulum swings the other way.

So where's my balance?

I've prayed a lot about this and part of me feels like God is trying to tell me to do as Christ did.

Mark 1:35 "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went to a solitary place, where he prayed."

Ideally, I could do this at this point in my life- the kids all sleep through the night. I'd have time to myself with the Lord, then be prepared and armed with the Word of God to start my day as opposed to later in the afternoon where I've already been through most of my day. Then when nap/quiet time rolls around in the afternoon I could use that time to accomplish some of the other things of the day and not allow my time with God to be pushed aside.

I've always been a "Night Owl." So I don't know how this will look for me, but I can't help but feel like this is what He is guiding me to do. It's been on my heart for quite some time. And this is how He speaks to us... to me. He is a gentleman, gently and patiently putting things on our hearts and shaping us to follow His Will.

And the other thing...

Simon and his companions sought out Jesus and perhaps interrupted the Lord's prayer time with the Heavenly Father. But Jesus didn't act selfishly, he didn't get angry and he didn't refuse them and tell them to go away. He simply joined them and went on about his day’s journey and quite literally fought demons.

So now the question is... "Am I prepared to do the same... how about you?"

His Why

I grew up in a small town in Kentucky. Radcliff was one of those towns that was "safe". We could go off and explore the woods near our home and mom rarely worried. We could ride our bikes, literally all over town. It wasn't Mayberry, but it was still small. Most of the friends I graduate from high school with, were friends I started elementary school with. I grew up feeling a part of a community and I was blessed to have many friends share my entire childhood school years with me.

As safe as it felt, and as close knit as it could be; we were not immune to pain, sorrow or loss. As a young child, heaven became very real to me. I learned at a very young age that life is not to be taken for granted and that there is so much more to live for than just this lifetime. I was impacted by eternity before I could comprehend it.  Today, at 36 years old... I still cannot comprehend it, but I am trying.

As I was becoming a teen, I learned that sometimes children are called home to heaven before their parents. At thirteen, I was asking a question that I am most certain went all the way back to Eve. Eve was the first woman on earth and she was the first mother. She was also the first mother to bury her child. I am most certain... she was the first mother to ask the question of “Why?”, as she grieved.

On May14, 1988, as our community learned of the tragedy of the Carrolton Bus Accident where we lost so many loved ones, we found ourselves asking, "Why?". We witnessed so many mothers and fathers, families...bury their sweet children. We too, couldn't help but to ask, "Why?".

It was through the accident that God gave me a gift and impacted me eternally. I came to know Jesus through that tragedy.

This Saturday, May 28th is the 8th anniversary of my sweet little girls’ birth. I would have an 8 year old right now... Payton would be 8. How has 8 years passed already?  I say it in a way that expresses speed... yet I also say it in a way that translates...disbelief. How ever have we lived this long without her? Over the past 8 years, I have asked a lot of "Why's?”. Some I have answers to... some I am still working on... some I am certain will not come this side of eternity.

Since May of 1988, my eyes were forever opened to the sensitivity, yet commonality of child loss. While working at UC Davis Children's Hospital in pediatrics, I witnessed so many sweet children's untimely deaths. I saw and heard the "Why's?”, I felt them too.

Over this past week I have been following the tragic loss of lives and homes to the Midwest tornados. I have been particularly touched by one beautiful family who lost their two sweet little boys. This family also suffered serious injuries to another child, to the pregnant mom and the loss of their home. I don't know this family, I have just been deeply touched by what they have gone through. Never wanting to see another mother or father bury their child(ren). So many questions of, "Why?".

I can't help but to wonder how many more "Why's" I might ask in my lifetime... I pray to be spared from any more of my own personal ones.... but know that that is not likely. Not to sound like a pessimist, it is just reality. We were never promised to be spared loss and grief, death became an option from the start of Adam and Eve's free will.  But what we were promised is to never be left alone... to never be abandoned. To be loved. Redemption is Promised. Hope and Great Plans are Promised. And not just the Hope of heaven is Promised (not to minimize heaven) but the Hope of a "New Earth!"

I've recently been reading more about heaven lately. I guess I have felt ready to “fully release” the very real reality that that is where Payton is. I have certainly sought it out before...but something has changed in me lately. I think that “thing” that has changed is, I am finding myself desiring less to ask... "Why?".

I surrender.

From Eve, to May 14th, to Payton, to that sweet family to..... I am tired of asking, "Why?".

While I know it is ok to ask the question, "Lord what have you done...? Why have you allowed this?" I am tired of asking it. I went back and read Genesis 3:13. Even God himself asks Eve... "What have you done?". But the difference is HUGE! Perhaps not even comparable. This comparison is almost more than I can wrap my finite mind around.

But what I take from it is this: 

God didn't have to or even need to ask that question of Eve. He knew. But he loved her enough to hear her words. While great tragedy occurred and great consequences came... God heard her.

And when Christ was on the cross, moments before he took his last breath... he too asked, "Why?" and it was then, that God himself... lost His Child.

The answer to His "Why?".... to finish God's Work.

Because of that "Why", I will see my friends in heaven someday.  I will hold my sweet Payton again never to say goodbye ever again.  And the family whose sons died and so many others will be with their sweet children, again and we will be with our Father God... someday.

So as Saturday approaches... this is what I want to celebrate and focus my heart and love on...

"HIS WHY".

Happy 8th Birthday Sweet Baby Girl... until heaven!

 Aside from the Bible... here are a few books I recommend reading on grief and heaven:
*Heaven by Randy Alcorn
*Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar
*Heaven is Real by Todd Burpo

Full of Grace and Seasoned with Salt

In Old and New Testament times, the mineral salt had many roles.  Some of its roles were:  a seasoning, an object for trade, a ceremonial tool, a food preservative, a symbol of friendships and covenants, and lastly a disinfectant.  A disinfectant!  I don’t know about you, but I stay away from salt scrubs and use only sugar scrubs.  Salt in a wound brings pain!  Salt was also used in the New Testament to teach us about how to act towards one another.  The Gospel Mark said, “…Have salt among yourselves, and be at peace with each other.” (Mark 9:50)

Over this past weekend, I was pruning some plants in my garden when I came across one of God’s little creatures... a snail.  As soon as I saw him, I felt what every fellow gardener feels, “THIS WAR IS ON!” I wanted to rid my garden of this burdensome pest and act quickly to find a natural way to remove him from the premises. But instead of running for the salt shaker, sorry I couldn’t resist, I ran for my camera. I must say, he was the cutest thing I had seen in quite some time and I had to capture this little guy. As I snapped shots of him, I studied his design. Everything from his retractable tentacle eyes, to his beautifully designed protective shell, to his slime-trail-leaving body that’s actually a giant foot, it was all obviously designed for a great purpose. While the snail gets a bad rap in the gardening world, his creation actually has some valuable purpose. Two of the little snails purposes are to; help recycle organic matter creating nutrient rich soil and serve as an excellant food source to other creatures. While they serve some beneficial purpose, pouring on the salt is one sure way to get rid of them.


As I went on with my pruning, I thought about how as a Christian I could relate to the snail. My creation was wonderfully designed and I too have great purpose. But sometimes when I feel threatened, and I feel like others are burdened by me, I retract and coil up in my shell, too. All in an attempt to protect myself from the wounding that might occur or is occurring by another I am sharing with. But I know I was created for God’s purpose, to be used in sharing with others about Christ. But I have to remember that sometimes in doing so; I too might be seen as a burdensome pest. But where I desire to differ from the garden snail, is the salt.


Colossians tells us to let our conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that we may know how to answer everyone. We are called to be wise in the way we act toward others who do not know Christ and to make the most out of every opportunity. We are encouraged to draw others in with our “salt” allowing the things we share to be “tasty” and “enticing” rather than disrespectful and threatening. Rather than expelling others with my salt, I am to use it to attract others. I am not to use it to “disinfect” or to so-called, “rub salt in their wounds”. But to use it to invite and to share in the beauty of Christ and the purpose of His creation from our Father God.  To guide and encourage others to grow closer to Christ and to learn how deeply loved and perfectly designed they are by God.  So that they may know His Grace and live life closely to Him.  A true gift, a true purpose to live by.  I invite you too, to share your salt. 

She is clothed with strength and dignity... Proverbs 31:25

I had been holding onto it for decades...truthfully for a lifetime.  I didn't want to throw it away, give it away or even show anyone it, for fear others would try to take it from me.  I often wished and prayed about wanting to get rid of it, but I felt powerless to hand it over.  It had become such a familiar fixture in my life, that it was kind of like an old familiar hat, comfortable, yet I recently noticed I was starting to outgrow it.  Others have one like it, and most don't want to get rid of theirs either.  In some strange way, holding on to it made me feel power over it, when in reality holding onto it, gave it power over me.  I knew that, but still, I felt I didn't know how to part with it.... it had been around for too long.  It was all I really knew.  What would I do after I got rid of it, what would I replace it with?  What would fill that gaping hole?  What would I be like without it, would it come back?  Would it be a part of me forever?  What would it do to the one who gave it to me?  After all, I didn't think it was my choice that I had it in my possession to begin with.  I never really wanted it to be with me in the first place.  But, it was mine... all mine.

Decades of hurt and disappointment lurked around.  Filled with sorrow and anger.  One broken heart, breaking another.  Poor choices, lost perspective, unfocused purpose, and mind-numbing pain all surrounded it.  From one to another, it was passed along.  Attempts to handle it other ways, better ways were tried, but to no avail, it was done alone, with out Direction.  Decades later the remains still linger.  Carrying on and weighing down.  Threatening to start the cycle, once again.  Unless and until it's holder, let's it go... gives it away and turns to the only One who can take it from us.  If... we choose to give it away.

Bitterness.  Anger.  Hurt.  Sorrow.  Mistrust.  Hatred.  Unforgiving.  Doubt.  And the list goes on... I was hanging on to each one...  Like a layered wardrobe, I was fully clothed in them.  Being weighed down and burdened by the load.  I was never free to enjoy life without them.  When the environment around me was there for me to enjoy, I struggled to do so, because I was poorly dressed.  I took it everywhere I went and I often tried to leave layers with others.  Here... take this layer.  Here, take that layer.  I often didn't even realize that I was passing out my layers to others.  Just when I thought I was freeing myself of a layer, I was actually putting more layers on.  These were layers that weren't meant to be shared, to be given away to others.  As they were similar to what others wore, but they were custom fit for me.  They couldn't be tucked away for the next season.  They had to be either worn or purposefully given away to the only One who has the power to take them away and destroy them. 

I had tried for years, almost two decades to release these layers.  To give them away, free my luggage from this baggage.  I consulted others about how and when I should give it away, trying to understand why it was given to me, and why I kept it around for safe keeping.  I would try only to repack my bags once again... and schlep it alongside me further down the road.  I tried not to wear the layers around others, knowing they had long gone out of style and fearing others would call me on it.  It took a long time to realize that as long as I held onto that old stuff, the less room I had for new stuff.... perhaps stuff that fit me better.  Stuff that allowed me to be the me, the true me the Grand Designer made me to be.  It was when I finally started looking at how my children looked at me with such love, respect and admiration.  That I truly realized that they might and probably saw some of those layers I was wearing around them.  Layers that they might want to ask to wear themselves, borrow, perhaps even take as a hand me down.  I knew that those layers were not meant for them, only me.  And that I needed to throw them out into the give away pile.  The pile that would go to the only One who could make good use out of them.  So.... when I finally made the decision, I called out one last time, and asked to be stripped clean.  To be made into a new creation.  To be free of the things I held onto for so long, for fear that if I forgave... I would be giving back that layer to the one who gave it to me.  And that I wouldn't know what to do without it, without it's familiar weight it laid upon me.  I was able to see how the things I gave away, were the very things I had been given as hand me downs from the one's who gave them to me. For they had not been able to free themselves of them in time to prevent the generational inheritance that comes with such things. 

It was with those understanding eyes, by the Wisdom and Grace of the Designer, that I then saw just how it all began.  It was created, worn, washed, and passed along, only to be worn and washed and passed along again.  But asking for it to be permanently washed clean and something new given in its place, was when it all changed.  While I like my new layers and I am adjusting to this new fit.  I recognize that it might not always be easy being free of those old duds and that I might want to resort back to putting on the ole' cozies.  But I am assured that before long these new duds will be a perfect fit and I will never take them off for the old stuff again.  It is a choice being clothed with something new, something more fitting from the Designer Himself.  A choice I will embrace.  A choice that is much lighter, much more taylored made for me.  You never know... maybe I'll start a fad.      

 Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7

 Articles on Forgiveness from Focus on the Family
What the Bible says about Forgiveness

"He's Got The Little Kindergarteners In His Hands"

Avery Mae just 3 days old. 

Over five years ago, God gave me one of the most beautiful gifts I could ever ask for, my daughter Avery.  It has been an amazing journey as her mommy and she has brought my heart so much delight and sometimes...stress!  She is my spirited one, my fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants child, sings-to-her-own-tune and my little girl who knows what she wants and when she wants it.  She is also tender-hearted, kind, compassionate towards others, loving, thoughtful, knows how to enjoy life and so many more wonderful traits and gifts.  Needless to say, she is my little refiner, that God is truly shaping my character daily through.  She makes my soul soar with the joy and love, and at times she brings me to my knees humbly in prayer. 

Bringing Avery home from the hospital, March 05

Before Avery was born, the reality that my children are NOT, just "my children" became very clear, very real as we held Payton tightly and our Heavenly Father called her home.  We learned that any child God was going to give us, was His first and given to us as a gift, to love, raise and disciple through life.  A task I often felt and continue to feel at times, ill-equipped for.  It has been a fine balance of holding on and letting go at just the right moments with Avery.  I have since learned, it's the same with our son Benjamin who is almost 2 years old.  "If only I could hit the pause button", another mom friend of mine has recently said.  But no such remote exists.  Only the "present button".

 sweet Avery recently started kindergarten. The anticipation of the first day was the hardest part, next to watching her walk away with her new classmates, off into the big kindergarten world. Avery was a champ, brave and joyful with anticipation. Her mommy, however, well I was a mess! I worried, feared and fretted far more than I needed to. And when the first day came, it was like having a band-aid ripped off quickly! After she walked away into her class with an ear-to-ear smile and holding a new little girlfriends hand, I let the tears fall. As I glanced around the parking lot, it was clear to see that I was not alone in my emotions. It was easy to spot the kindergartner mommies. With the exception of a few little souls, the first day appeared far more painful to the mommies than the new kindergartners. When I headed home, I went straight into action. Get Ben down quickly for his nap! For this was a new part of our "unknown routine". One hour earlier than normal, he still happily obliged and off to dreamland he went! I walked downstairs with the world lifted off my shoulders. Start of first day for Avery- check! Ben down at his new nap time-check! Momma has about 2.5 hrs to myself- Yahoo! I really didn't know if I should continue my mommy weeping or dance a jig!

Avery in her first day of school outfit and backpack

Annual first day of school pic...we took her preschool pics in front of this tree too.

Standing in line to go into kindergarten class for the first time

Waving Goodbye....

Though I am personally still struggling and adjusting to public school protocol, Avery is doing great.  It has been twelve days since that first day of kindergarten and life is settling in.  We have our new routine down and Avery is blossoming!  She loves kindergarten and is eager to go everyday.  The afternoon schedule is working out perfectly for our family and Ben is napping beautifully.  And I have a little more time to "get things done".  It feels great to be where we are now.  But twelve plus days ago, it was a tender place to be.  Letting a little more of Avery go was difficult.  And so.... this is just really the beginning.  That must be why God gives them to us when they are little, so we can ease into the transition.  There is so much I could write about, my head is flooded with thoughts to share.  But one of the things I really wanted to share is how proud I am of my sweet daughter.  My heart aches with love for her and I am amazed that five years has passed so quickly.  Sad, yet excited with anticipation for the adventures and tender moments ahead of raising my sweet gifts from God.  Focusing on enjoying them while they are here in my arms, in my home, under my care.  But I know, as many others have learned too.  They are loaned to me, to raise, to teach, to love, and to enjoy life with.  As I basically grieved the end of summer and the anticipation of Avery reaching this new milestone, I sat down the day before her first day of kindergarten to spend some time talking with God.  And this is the devotional that was prepared for that day.  It was as if it was written to me.  I love it when God works that way.  This is what it said. 

August 23

Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into My protective care.  They are much safer with Me than in your clinging hands.  If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one--as well as yourself.  Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac.  I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship.  Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terribly because of the father's undisciplined emotions.  I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love.

When  you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand.  As you entrust others into My care I am free to shower blessings on them.  My Presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest.  This same Presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me.  Watch to see what I will do.

~Genesis 22:9-12; Ephesians 3:20; Exodus 33:14

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

While I don't know that I need to compare myself to Abraham, I could see the message here that spoke to my heart.  Trust.  Trust Avery into His hands.  Not always an easy thing to do in this world that can be unpredictable, scary and just plain dangerous.  It is also a place of beauty, joy and love.  And it was created for us to enjoy, to experience and to grow in.  I may not always be able to keep my little ones under my wings forever, but I trust and know like sung in the children's song, "He's got the whole world in His hands," that even my little kindergartner is always... in His hands.    

"One Man's Trash Is Another Child's Treasure"

Once in a blue moon, one of my families favorite drinks to treat ourselves to is a Henry Weinhard Root Beer.  It's rich, creamy, smooth on the taste buds and served in an old fashioned brown glass bottle.  Something about drinking out of that cold brown bottle adds to the nostalgia of the experience.  However, once the soda is down-the-hatch, the bottle somehow loses it's flair and is quickly tossed in the the recycling bin with all of the other empty containers to be recycled.  All the work and mileage that bottle went through to satisfy my craving for such a short time...but so appreciated!  Now days everyone is "going green" and people are striving to take better care of our gift from God, "Earth." 

According to the Clean Air Council, "in the U.S., 4.39 pounds of trash per day and up to 56 tons of trash per year are created by the average person"!  I once heard this amazing story about a man who made it his life work to throw away as little trash as he possibly could.  I cannot remember what his actual consumption level was, but what stood out to me was that he reused "ALL" of his foil, plastic wrap, bags, etc.... never to throw away or buy new again.  So often when I reach in my drawer to grab my foil I think of that man.  Somehow he made an impression on me.  Crazy as it is...you can't help but find a person and cause like that, honorable.  Praiseworthy!  Every person "can" make a difference.  Just not sure I can in that exact way...as I literally went through 6 wipes and about 10 napkins while eating out at dinner with my "Pigpen" children...not counting the foil, plastic and cardboard we were eating out of at Chipotle. 

While visiting my families property in Ft. Bragg this past 4th of July, we made a stop at one of the tourists attractions, Glass Beach.  Beachcombers for miles walk the shore exploring the tide pools and rummaging through the sand in search for the perfect souvenir piece(s) of sea glass to take home to cherish.  My kids loved it!  Avery carefully examined each stone piece by piece, that she stowed away...in my sweater pocket.  And Ben was tickled just running his chubby little fingers and toes through the smooth stones and sand.  Occasionally, grabbing handfuls and chucking them at us while giggling with a sly grin.  Aren and I were content sitting our hineys in it and treasuring the moments and memories with the kids.  Though I must say I hijacked a few stones for myself... found several that look like tear drops.  So I had to take them.

To think that this beautiful beach was once home to a dump was a surprise to all who learned of the history of Glass Beach.  Yes, it's true.  "In the early 20th century, Fort Bragg residents threw their household garbage over the cliffs above what is now "Glass Beach." They discarded glass, appliances, and even cars. The land was owned at that time by the Union Lumber Company, and locals referred to it as "The Dumps." Sometimes fires were lit to reduce the size of the trash pile.  In 1967, the North Coast Water Quality Board and city leaders closed the area. Various cleanup programs were undertaken through the years to correct the damage.  Over the next several decades the pounding waves cleansed the beach, wearing down the discarded glass into the small, smooth, colored trinkets that cover the beach today." (Source: Wikipedia.org)

To think that some root beer lovin' litterbug tossed her brown glass root beer bottle over the cliffs and decades later another root beer lovin' conservationist (sorry couldn't pass it up) was snatching it up off the beach and stuffing it in her pocket to take home and treasure, is redeeming!  I guess that's one long and drawn out way to recycle or re-use!  We loved it!  Who doesn't love a beautiful beach to explore.  My little 5 year old sure does!  She'd take the whole beach home with her if she could!  A trait I am happy to have passed on, the little nature lover that she is!  When we spend time in the great outdoors with Avery, we always have to make up an arbitrary limit on rock, shell, pine-cone, leaf smuggling with her.  Otherwise, my home would be the Great Indoors.  While we truly are trying to teach our children how to care for and respect this planet we live on by "taking only photographs and leaving only memories", we couldn't help but bring a little of it home with us to cherish.  As my sweet little girls eyes sparkled at each new discovered glass jewel she handed me, it brought a whole new meaning to "one man's trash is another child's treasure". 

The purpose of our trip was to spend time with family for the 4th of July at my families property.  The property has been in my family far before I was born...it is a cherished place for the Risse Family, friends and guests.  http://www.kibesillah.com/

My favorite flower.... Nasturtium... planted around the Farmhouse....reminds me of my late Grandma Risse

Happy 4th of July America....love Ben

The Farmhouse in Kibesillah (Ft. Bragg, CA)

So precious...Avery and Great Grandpa Risse

Our visit to the Salmon Festival...to eat some YUMMY freshly grilled salmon!

Ladybug Kisses & Pink Balloon Wishes....

Ladybug, Ladybug...
you flew away Home.
I held you for a moment,
you were only on loan.

Though a world apart,
I wait to unite...
I hold onto your memory
with all of my might.

God's Promises hold true,
His redemption is clear.
Though our time to be together...
seems farther than near.

So I rest in His Word,
His Peace and His Love...
While missing you each day,
He guides me gently from above.

In His arms you rest whole,
your life is complete.
A truth I hold dearly,
so tender... so sweet. 
~Written by Heather Bazzocco, mommy... for Payton on her 7th birthday 5~28~10

Happy 7th birthday, my sweet daughter... my little lovebug!  I love you... and will always miss you, till our Heavenly Father gently lays you back into my arms.  I am so proud to be your mommy.  Thank you my brave little soul.  You have made my life complete.
Love mommy

There's a jokester in every bunch!

Sweet Avery decorating her sisters grave with all the heartfelt mementos she made for her.  Though Avery never got to meet her big sister... she knows her... loves her... and misses her presence in her life.  I am touched deeply by Avery's heart.  She is amazingly giving, empathetic, and tender hearted.  I am so proud of her. 

When talking with Avery the night before Payton's birthday... Avery said she, "wished we could go out to Payton's grave and release ladybugs and pink balloons" something we have done on past birthdays.  They clearly have made such an impression on her little heart, that she wanted to do them again.  It made the day special... and the children loved it.  Avery Mae (5), Benjamin (19mo), Brody (27mo) and the twins, Braxton and Barrett (8mo) all were a part of celebrating Payton's 7th birthday. 

 As our time celebrating at Payton's grave came to an end. I glanced up from under her Willow where I was standing and there attached to a branch directly over her grave, was a cocoon. I am not sure if it is a butterfly or a moth cocoon. I tried to search on-line, but was not able to determine what lies inside to 100%. Truthfully that is not what really matters. What matters is what it reminded me of. How we change... how Payton changed. Many have heard of the analogy used of the life of a caterpillar to the life of a human. We exist in this world as living human beings, caterpillars if you will. Then we die (cocoon). Then if we are believers and followers in Christ... we emerge in new, glorious bodies in heaven (butterflies). Well some of us... are just moths. No, just kidding. The whole process, whether a butterfly or a moth... is a miracle. It is amazing! Go out into nature and everywhere you look God has wonderfully orchestrated His story into each living thing. The symbolism of birth, life, and death is everywhere. You cannot escape, you should not disbelieve it, you cannot discount it. And God is so amazing that He gives us the life of a butterfly to learn from. All throughout the Bible, Christ would talk in parables, stories. He would use a story to symbolize a deeper meaning, a greater point. A moral to the story, to teach others...and us today.  In the creation of the butterfly, He has given us yet another perfect parable... another symbol... of the cycle of life. Believe in the powers of God to create magnificent new life, to believe the miracle that God transforms caterpillars into butterflies, to believe the miracle that God transforms earthy bodies into heavenly bodies. Like He has done for Payton.

As Christ talked in analogy in Psalm 22:6, Jesus talked about His death and resurrection.  Saying, "I am a worm, and no man..."  because He would rise again in a glorified body just like the caterpillar who emerges from his "tomb-like chrysalis/cocoon" in the form of a butterfly.  Is it any surprise that God would leave us tangible evidence that such a transformation CAN and DOES happen. 

Richard Buckminster Fuller wrote, "There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly". This quote is so true.  If you were to look at a caterpillar would you ever believe it could and does change into a beautiful, delicate butterfly?  But it does!  Thank you God for this miracle, this tangible piece of evidence that one form can and does change miraculously into another form.

Such a reminder of how we are changed, and transformed in death is talked about in 1 Corinthians 15: 12-58.  (NIV)   "35 How are the dead raised? With what kind of body will they come?" 36How foolish! What you sow does not come to life unless it dies. 37When you sow, you do not plant the body that will be, but just a seed, perhaps of wheat or of something else. 38But God gives it a body as he has determined, and to each kind of seed he gives its own body. 39All flesh is not the same: Men have one kind of flesh, animals have another, birds another and fish another. 40There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthly bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind, and the splendor of the earthly bodies is another. 41The sun has one kind of splendor, the moon another and the stars another; and star differs from star in splendor.

42 So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; 43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; 44 it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.  If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body."

There is so little I feel I need to say after these verses.  They speak for themselves.  So today as I saw the cocoon... I saw it as one of God's redemptive reminders to me... to my family.  A reminder that Payton lives on... that she is in her new body.  Just like that butterfly or moth will soon be too.  In fact we all, through our faith in Christ, can be transformed when it is our time to form our own cocoons.   

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls a butterfly." ~Richard Bach

 

Elmo was a "good fish... happy and brave"....

Monday the 26th, was a day I will never forget as a mom. A little over two years ago we welcomed a new little addition into our family... Avery's 1st ever fish pet... he was a red beta... that Avery lovingly named, "Elmo". Quite the fitting name for a fish that was red and made his home in a Sesame Street aquarium. Elmo first held up residence in Avery's bedroom, where the soft glow of his nightlight, would scare the dark scaries away, leaving Avery content with his company. It wasn't long before little Elmo had to put in for a change of address to the hallway countertop, due to little hands reaching into his tank through his feeding hole... leaving random trinkets behind such as ponytail holders, Polly Pocket shoes, whatever Avery felt little Elmo needed. Once she even tried to "brush Elmo's teeth" with her very own toothbrush and toothpaste! Uhm yah... what were we thinking letting a 3 year old have a fish tank in her room? Fools!

Elmo spent the good part of his life out in our upstairs hallway, lighting the nighttime trips to the potty. But, his final residence in the Bazzocco family house was the graduation back into Avery Mae's room. She was given another chance at five years of age to prove she was responsible to have Elmo share her bedroom once again.  Avery did fantastic! Never "testing the waters" again. Even growing in her awareness, the responsibility of feeding the little guy each night at bedtime. Elmo was our friend. Elmo was Avery's friend. He was her bedroom buddy and his little presence made bedtime seem a bit easier.

Over the past few weeks, we had been noticing Elmo performing strange swim strokes, such as the side stroke, the slow stroke and well... just seeming peculiar. Aren called it, I quickly brushed it off after a quick assessment and observation of him swimming like speed lighting from one end of the tank to the other. Secretly in the back of mind, hoping all was really well. All did seem well...until early afternoon Monday.  When Avery and I walked into her bedroom for "quiet time", I reached onto the dresser to grab her clock and set her time, when I saw... all was not well. I was shocked! Poor Elmo! OH NO! My poor daughter! My mind raced as to what to do… tell her now, tell her later, I can't leave her in her room to discover him herself, what do I do!? I quickly put the clock back up in front of the fish tank and asked Avery to come over to me. While praying for the right words, I gently let her know that her little Elmo had died. Immediate shock was on her little face, paralyzing my mother's heart for a moment and forever touching me, then immediate tears began to fall from her sweet face. I quickly scooped her up, held her tight and carried my big 45+ pound, 5 year old down the stairs and rocked her like my little baby that she will always be. As we sat in the rocking chair, she wept, I wept, and I prayed feverishly for God to help me with this. Despite the journey in life I have been through, I was in unchartered waters and was feeling so ill-equipped for this poignant moment. A moment in my mother eyes that could forever shape my sweet daughters view of death, grief and coping. So while I rocked her... many thoughts came to me. Experiences as a previous Child Life Specialist and working with children and talking with them about death and dying... countless past conversations Avery and I have already had in her asking and understanding her big sisters death... and my own experiences of loss as both a child and adult... all came flooding in. I had visions of my childhood and how my mother supported me through losing numerous beloved pets, family members and even young friends...and how she encouraged us to be a part of the process of saying goodbye and remembering them too. Death, loss and grief are no strangers to me, where I once turned from them and ran from the awareness of them... I'm trying more to face them and I'm still learning to accept they are a part of life. Fear them not, OH NO... I still fear them, the sting, the finality, the mind numbing blow, but I find comfort and solace in knowing that I have a Father in heaven who tells me that there is a place far better than this place.  A place where He has gone before me and is preparing a place for me, for my loved ones, who believe in Him, in Christ. Heaven is real! It is not fictional, it is not false, make believe or folk-lore. It is a real place and I rest in knowing and believing it is our final home, our final destination .  Some have asked, for pets too? Well, not sure.  The Bible does have scripture that makes me wonder, but I have not been able to clarify to say with accuracy.  In Isaiah 11:6-8 (NIV) it tells us that, "The wolf will live with the lamb, the leopard will lie down with the goat, the calf and the lion and the yearling together; and a little child will lead them. The cow will feed with the bear, their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child put his hand into the viper's nest." If I am understanding this correctly this is scripture from the prophet Isaiah who is talking about the "New Earth" after Christ comes back... how Christ will restore this world to a state/place like Eden.  Either way, heaven is a place where no man has seen... but if God created animals here for man to have dominion over and because He is all knowing, He knew we would befriend them, not just use them to subside off of, but fall in love with and live together with, bond with.  This is not scripturally sound, but I can't help but believe our pets are in heaven too.  But hey who knows?  God is good...all the time, so why not with something like that too.  Avery often asks me are animals in heaven?  Like the taxidermied (is that a word?) steer that she saw at Breakaway at church last year. OH BOY!!! Did that ever create confusion in her little mind:  "is it alive, was it alive, is it dead, why is it not in heaven, why is it's body still here, why isn’t it buried"... thanks Breakaway "décor staff" for making the concept of death even more confusing for my child and more challenging for me as a mom to explain. :) Just kidding. But I have told Avery, "I am not really sure, since I've never seen heaven, but I tell her why not?" Heaven is a place of perfection, glory... goodness and surely all good things that God created are there, she even asks do we eat or drink in heaven? Ugh!? Someone needs to write a book on how to answer these very specific preschooler questions, hey maybe I'll take that on some day… in my spare time!

Anyways, after about 45 minutes of rocking, my little heartbroken child fell asleep in my arms. I laid her on the couch so she could sleep. Meanwhile my other sweet child, Ben refused to nap in his crib, he missed his entire nap that day! First time ever! Not sure what that was all about, but hey the day was already not going so well, let's just pour salt on it and watch it festure!!!! So while Ben and I played upstairs quietly, Avery slowly woke up. After calling out to me, she refused to come upstairs. I was thinking she did not want to be near Elmo. I felt sad for her fear and discomfort, but understood that was ok and normal for her to feel that way.

After some more cuddling time with both kiddos... Avery began to ask more questions. One that nearly stopped my heart for a moment. "Momma, when Payton died... did you bury her at the cemetery where we go?" GULP, I wasn't sure why that was so tender for me to hear, it wasn't like we hadn't had this conversation before as we have visited Payton's grave over her 5 years of life. But to hear it in that moment and to see how she was beginning to connect the “death dots”, it was quite uncomfortable for me to hear. But I did what any good mom would do, I quickly prayed for wisdom and the right words, took a quiet deep breath and simply said... "Yes baby we did, remember how we have told you Payton's little heart was not able to work well any more... because it was sick... well her little body couldn't work any more either because it needed her heart to help it be alive... and her little soul... the part that is inside of you that makes you feel, think, talk, laugh and be who you are... that part went to heaven... so when that happened it was time for us to have her funeral" and well, that spilled into numerous other questions: "how did you bury her, in what, what did the casket look like, and on and on...” All the time she was asking one question after another so quickly I could hardly catch my breath from the previous question.  I tried to strike a healthy balance of what to say and what not to say and how much is enough, but not too much. I tried to turn the questions back to her sometimes, like "Well what do you think baby?" And there were even several questions I just had to say, "I don't know the answer to that... only God knows". I also tried to assure her of her good health, our good health and our other pets good health and that no one, most importantly her, did anything wrong to cause Elmo to die, it is just what happens. It was quite a powerful talk we had.

After our conversation, Avery said to me... "Mommy, I want to bury Elmo and have a funeral for him". So we made our way to Joanne's craft store and bought a little brown wooden box with hearts on it, pink and red paint, pink and red ribbon (cause pink she said is her favorite color and “red was Elmo’s”) and some sparkling rhinestones to adorn his box with. We came home and she went right to work. It was amazing to see how she was responding to her efforts in doing this last loving act for her beloved fish friend. She sat and smiled while designing it and frequently pointed out to me each little step she was making. When she was done she asked me how to write, "Elmo... love you really much". Truly priceless,  straight from the mouth of babes. It made me think about how healing a funeral or memorial can be for someone who loses someone or something that they love.  The acts of the experience bring about healing, connection, celebration, honoring, and letting go...saying goodbye to the one loved and lost. All throughout history, until more present day, families who lost a loved one were responsible for burying there loved ones in different ways than we do today. In doing so, it was often the men of the family that built the casket for the deceased. It was often described as a final act of service of love and depending on the financial status of the family; the caskets would often be built in great detail to exemplify ones love and grief. So... moving away from my tangent... Avery Mae lovingly made her little fish friends final resting place.

After dinner, Avery and I headed off to her first ever Daisy Girl Scouts meeting. She didn't want to miss it and I gave her the choice of staying home or going. She chose going and it was a nice distraction from the day. She met some new little girl friends, learned the Girls Scouts Pledge and planted some marigold seeds. Then we headed home with the plan to have Elmo's final farewell. We gave Avery some choices of when and where to bury Elmo. She chose at night after Ben was in bed, just her, Aren and I, outside on the side of the house by our garden. Daddy dug the hole, while Avery and I prepared little Elmo. Avery asked to use the net to get Elmo out... but then after attempting, anxiously handed it over to me. Bless her heart. While I "fished" him out, Avery carefully lined his little box with tissue so Elmo had something soft to lie on. We laid him in his soft little box and said our goodbyes and closed the box. Avery asked to put his box in the hole, so we let her, and then I said a prayer of love, thanks and healing over Avery.  Aren covered Elmo's box with the dirt, then Avery decorated it with flowers she had picked from around the yard. All done by the light of the moon and a single flashlight! I am sure my neighbors were wondering what in the world we were doing.

Then we headed on in and started her bedtime routine. Avery was seeming more like her little self by that point... bouncing from point A to point B as usual, and talking non-stop.  But in her little eyes I could still see a little grieving girl. It was breaking my heart. She continued to ask questions about why and how Elmo died and I continued to try to comfort her in my answers. And like she does every night, talked me into cuddling up beside her in bed till she fell asleep. Only this time, I wisely stayed, knowing her little heart really was not wanting to be alone. I laid there beside her, talking with God for quite some time. Thanking Him for the comfort He has given me in my life of 35 years at moments of loss, so that I may comfort others in their times of loss (2 Corinthians 1:4)... family, friends, strangers, but most importantly my sweet child.

It has been 3 days since our Elmo friend went to "Fishy heaven", which is what Avery calls it. The day that Elmo died she told me she wanted to get another fish "that day and a red one like Elmo". I explained to her that another fish will not replace our friend Elmo and that someday we can get another fish, but we need a little time to go by before we do that. She smiled and skipped off. But the grand-daddy of all questions was asked today,  "Mommy...if we buried Elmo in the ground... in his box... how come we didn't flush him down the toilet... where all the other fish go to, to get to fishy heaven in the sea... like on Nemo!" UGH! Great more explaining to do!

Enjoy this little clip from The Cosby Show... on how "NOT" to perform a fish funeral for your preschooler... I just love this show!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo_bn2blWSY

Little Whispers... Big Messages

I feel like I have been getting lots of little (but oh so big) whispers from God lately.  Not real audible whispers (smile) I'm not delusional, but rather whispers to my heart.  Little hidden messages that speak to my heart, spirit, soul... that bring peace and comfort; you could even say perspective to my life.  Life has felt a little overwhelming to me lately, internally.  All the expectations, spoken and unspoken that life can bring.  Making sense of this thing called life and well, every day trying to be the woman God has designed me to be.  Who I want to be, in Him. Kind of like BIG growing pains.  Ha... who am I kidding!  I am always going through growing pains.  It seems to be a continual process.  Perhaps I am alone on this journey.  But I would be willing to bet my only dollar (I never have $ on me) that I am not alone on this path.  Well, as challenging as it may be sometimes, I am learning to see it as a "good thing."  As much as I hope for peaceful contentment, I just don't want to settle for stagnation.  I am learning that I am a constant work in progress.  As my life changes and as my children grow, as new challenges and experiences come to me; as I age, I am "under construction."  Like a lump of clay being shaped by the Potters hands and I am most certain, into something beautiful.  Not that I am hideous to begin with and I am referring to inner beauty, my heart.  There are times when I feel I fall short and can see that my expectations for myself are not realistic.  It is in those moments where I am getting a strong dose of Grace and Mercy to learn from.  Where my patience with not only others, but myself are being strengthened.  Where I am being refined.  It can be a pain staking process if I choose to see it that way.  But I am trying to see it rather, as a blessing in the growth of my character.

Last week when the sun blessed us with its presence, the kids and I were outside soaking up some warmth and fresh air.  We were exploring all the new signs of Spring that were in our backyard, when Avery and I noticed one of our Weeping Cherry trees had a single bloom on it.  We searched the entire tree and saw only one little bloom.  Avery said, "Mommy it only has one flower, where are the rest?"  Pointing to the many buds on the branches I said, "In there, they are waiting to come out."  Impatiently she said, "When mommy! When! I want to see more now!"  Laughing, I reminded her that the tree is growing and that it takes time for all of the blossoms to come out, but soon it will be covered in beautiful blossoms.  Satisfied with my answer she ran off to the next plant to explore.  But as I walked around the yard our conversation resonated in my mind.  I ran in the house and grabbed my camera and snapped these photos.  I could not help smiling as I captured God's little message.  It was as if I could hear my own "Father" saying, "Be patient child, you too are growing, you too are blooming one blossom at a time and it all takes time... enjoy the journey of blossoming and remember... you are 'fearfully and wonderfully made.'" ~Psalm 139:14

Just as this message of love began to fade from my heart as the weekend passed by, I was reminded tonight at dinner that God is truly with us... all of the time.  He's familiar with all our ways and knows our anxious thoughts (Psalm 139, by the way can you tell this is my FAVORITE verse!!!). And when we are struggling in life, with carrying our own burdens, our own crosses (Luke 9:23) He reminds us to come to him.... mess and all.  Avery, my sweet messenger for God, saw me stressing and struggling.  I was rushing to make dinner, pacify my sweet little 15 month old Ben who was hungry, screeching and wanting to be held, answer the ever-ringing telephone, welcome Aren my husband home from work, and try to get myself ready to make it out the door to a parenting class by 6:30, all after a long day with little energy for the moment.  Not an easy task and not a peaceful feeling momma.  While I tried to keep my composure through it all, I was beginning to feel more anxious.  After asking if everyone could go and play in the other room and let mommy focus on getting dinner made, I felt a poke on my side.  I looked over my shoulder and standing there was a vision that melted my heart.  My sweet Avery completely washed away any tension I was feeling inside and outside, with her loving gesture.  She handed me this ceramic cross she had colored with markers and said, "Here mommy, I made this for you."

Fighting back the temptation to say, "Honey I am trying to get dinner made," I realized what she was handing me.  I remembered that she had actually colored a set of these ceramic crosses over a year ago, this was no knew creation she had made for me.  This loving act spoke to me in so many ways.  I, of course, thanked her and hugged her then told her how special it meant to me.  Avery asked me why it was special?  I told her, "not only is it a gift you made for me and a gift you have wanted to share with me to help me feel better, but it is also a special reminder to mommy to trust in what Jesus did for me... for us."  She smiled contently and skipped off (which is her mode of ambulating around lately, I think she has forgotten how to walk, she skips everywhere!  Surely it is a sign of 5 year "old hood" and a happy little heart).  I sat the cross on the stove, so I could look at it while I was finishing up dinner.  While it saddens me to know I may have burdened my child with my tension, I am so comforted in her little empathetic heart.  I can also see how God used my sweet child to lead me back to Him in my anxious thoughts.  I was reminded, as I focused on the cross, that no matter how messy things seem to be, bring it to the cross.  I know I don't always do it.  I run around in life carrying everything on my shoulders, all tense, stressed out and burdened. And I forget that I don't have to do that.  I don't have to keep it all to myself.  As petty as dinner time chaos can sound, it is real, it is tiring. But I know that whether it is the petty stuff or the big stuff, God says, "Bring it all to me."  I am reminded that no matter where I am in life, wherever I am in heart and character, no matter the mess, I can go to Him. Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."