While we’re waiting….

Almost 9 years ago… Aren and I found ourselves standing in unknown territory. We had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, we named Payton. As many of you know with Payton’s birth, came many changes into our lives. We wanted to share Payton’s progress while she was in the NICU and then when she came home. Aren started a website in her honor and it was there that we did our best to update all the wonderful people in our lives praying for her and supporting us. It continued to be a place to share even after she went to be with the Lord and then became a place to share the births and lives of Avery and Benjamin. But we soon found it to be neglected as we were busy with life with our kiddos. It was a time after that, that I started this blog. At first it was created to be a place for me to update family back East on the kids, and then it morphed into a place of sharing my faith in Christ. Then last July we made the decision to homeschool! And well…it was my last post (a testimony to my full plate!!!) I have been so busy this past year... that I’ve not been intentional about posting. I was considering closing it recently, questioning its purpose at this time in my life. Until almost 2 weeks ago…

I am almost 23 weeks pregnant with our fourth child and beyond blessed to be a mom to another gift from God. All has been going great in my pregnancy up until recently. I am a little drained from retelling the details of the story…so I will be as to the point as I am capable. That’s hard for me…being created as an “attention to detail” kind of gal.

Recently, we went into the perinatologist’s (high risk pregnancy) doctor to have our high level ultrasound (u/s) done. We were just checking on baby to see how growth and development was progressing. We went in fully expecting great things. We were stunned to be told that our baby appears to have a partial cerebellum malformation. This means that part of the baby’s cerebellum (part of the brain that aides in motor control…i.e. walking, balance) is not forming as it needs to. We have since had two more doctor appts. , one with our primary OB, and a follow-up perinatologist appt. We were given similar, yet different perspectives from each perinatologist about what their opinions are on our baby’s possible complications. What started out rather grim, has since transformed into a more hopeful place. We still have a long road ahead of us though.

Aside from being told our baby’s complications, one of the most heartbreaking parts of this whole experience was the initial advice given to us by the Dr. to abort our baby. Legally they have to offer that option… whether it is a terminal condition or not. But we were deeply grieved and offended by this advice and made it very clear where we stood. I will say…this did not end easily. Once the point was made and they were asked to NOT address us with this option again, they receded. But it left wounds on our hearts that will forever affect our view on the sanctity of life.

The Dr.s are unsure exactly what has caused this complication for our sweet baby. The last Dr. we met with left us with hope… We are unsure if this is a condition related to a chromosomal or gene condition, or if it is a developmental condition that occurred very early in my pregnancy, or if it is related to an undiagnosed health conditions in me. Basically we will not know until ultimately the baby is born. And we have been given great hope that this is not a terminal condition, and may not be a severe disability causing condition. We may not know how this affects our precious child… until he/she is grown… What it boils down to in our opinions… is this child…like our others, is in God’s loving Hands. Only He knows the story… we are just following Him in it and doing our best to be trusting and obedient along the way.

We are awaiting blood work on me to rule out some possible causes (I’ll explain more later), we are scheduled on May 29 to meet with a Pediatric Neurosurgeon to seek council on his opinion on the u/s findings and what steps to consider taking as our due date approaches (August 16). We are planning (but not scheduled yet) to do a follow-up u/s with the perinatologist team again. Other than that…not much we can do while we wait… medical-wise…but we can PRAY!

We are asking anyone that knows the Lord to please pray for us and the baby. We are asking for and expecting a miracle. We are also preparing our hearts if the miracle doesn’t come in the way we are seeking it to. We are trying our best to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and to not lean on our own understanding. We are trying to submit to him…as He says He will make our path straight. (My words along with Proverbs 3:5-6). As we look ahead… the path doesn’t “feel” very straight, it feels treacherous, and dark. We know that if we choose to see things through our own eyes, that is how it will feel. And that if we choose to receive His gifts of being in control, being Good, loving and Sovereign… than the path has just enough Light upon it that we need to see in which way to go and to rest and not worry. Some moments in the day are easier to do this than others.

We are hearing many lies in our heads, and many potentially scary perspectives from the medical world…but we are also hearing many Truths…and some of those are:

~That God has made all the delicate, inner parts of our baby’s body and that he/she is being knit together in my womb. Psalm 139:13
~That this baby is “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” Psalm 139:14
~That we can be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him… Psalm 37:7
~ We do not need to fear, for He is with us, we do not need to be dismayed, for He is our God. He will strengthen us, help us and uphold us… (Isaiah 41:10)
~He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Lamentations 3:33
~And we know that in all things God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many more truths that are in our thoughts, on our hearts and in our words we speak throughout this time… so while we’re waiting… we are asking that everyone pray. Pray alone and pray together. He says where “two or more come together in my name, I am with them.” (Matthew 18:20) We are told that “whatever we ask in Christ’s name, the Father will do, so that glory will be brought to God.” (John 14:13). I believe very much in the power of prayer. I know He hears our prayers and in my life, I’ve seen tangible evidence of prayers answered. I also know and will say… God does not say yes in all the ways we ask of Him. His ways are not our ways; His will is not always our will. He sees the bigger picture… He sees eternity. We see only the here and now. We are limited by our lens. And even if we pray and our prayers are not answered in the ways we are asking and seeking… we will still stand in saying… God is good, He is Sovereign in His provisions and we can trust Him in all of this. We know He has great plans for us and that doesn’t include plans to harm us or our sweet baby. They are plans to prosper us and to give us hope and a future… no matter what.

Love Heather, Aren, Avery, Benjamin, Baby and always Payton