Her impression... 9 years later

I am up past midnight... welcoming in the 28th.  The 9th anniversary of my beautiful baby girls birth day.  Payton would be 9 years old today.  The memories of the eve of her birth are still so fresh in my mind, that at moments it feels like only yesterday.  With everything we have been experiencing lately, the memories seem to be even clearer lately.  Years past, the anticipation of Payton's birthday felt in my heart much different than it has this year.  I've been a little distracted.... a little focused. 

But tomorrow.... will be a day set aside just for you sweet baby girl.  You are not here for us to throw you a big 9th birthday party, but we are setting the day aside to honor your memory, celebrate your life and to feel the love we have solely for you, our precious little one.  I write little one and my mind immediately wonders.... who are you in heaven?  I'll have to wait till I see you there to know.  We love you baby girl, our Love Bug.  You are so missed.  You are never far from our hearts and our continued thoughts.  You will always be missed, never replaced and always cherished. 

This past week your little sister, Avery and I have been going through tubs of clothing getting ready for your other little sister's birth.  Avery asked me with great excitement if we could go through your tub of clothing I've saved.  As we explored, oohed and awed over every little thing in your box, the one thing that impressed Avery the most were your tiny, delicate socks.  She asked me, "Mommy were Payton's feet really that tiny"?  I showed her the foot mold we made of you the night you went to be with Jesus, she was able to see a 3-d version of your feet and see just how tiny they really were. 

Even I.... had almost forgotten.

So I look at this photo your father took of the two of you and I am so touched and reminded by how one tiny set of feet could make such an enormous impression on our hearts and lives.  Our hearts will forever be impressed with your life... your presence, precious daughter. 

We love and miss you. 

Happy 9th Birthday Payton Hadley.

A little update...

So I've been wanting to update everyone on how we are all doing.  Thank you to EVERYONE who have been so supportive these past couple of weeks and this past weekend too!  After the last post, life seemed to calm down and we felt so grateful for normalcy to be about our days and home life.  Not a lot has changed and yet so much has changed....where do I begin?

Shortly after my last post, I was abundantly blessed by a gathering of women who came alongside me and prayed over me, the baby, Aren and the kids.  It was truly one of the most wonderful moments.  Thank you ladies for each and everyone of you who came alongside of me.  Both Aren and I have truly felt held by His love and your love.  Thank you! 

We also decided to find out what the babies gender was...we were really wanting initially to let this be a surprise as we never did this with the other three.  But as time passed, we felt that it was information we wanted to have.  For various reasons, we changed our mind and called the doctors to find out.  So for those that do not know.... drum roll please.... It's a GIRL!!!  We are thrilled!  So is Avery!  She really wanted a baby sister.  Obviously, we would adore, love and want a little boy too...the babies gender has little importance to us in the grand scheme of things.  As I have said all along when asked what we wanted, "It doesn't matter to us, we just pray for a healthy baby".  But we are excited and are busy picking out pretty girl colors for the new bedroom we're having built in the loft upstairs for her.  It is turning out great!  The kids think it is so cool having this change added to our home.  And it has been so therapeutic for us to be planning for this sweet little one... as we truly want to focus on hope for her. 

It has been a tough journey this past month.  The balancing act of pushing fear away and doing what all people do when they are going to have a baby and that is plan and look forward to your future with that baby in it.  We've been trying to rest and trust in God's plan for us and our baby girl.  And to fully walk in faith daily and not in fear or anxiety.  It has not been easy. 

Last weekend, Mother's Day weekend... we had a bit of a scare.  Friday night I did not sleep well and spent most of the night having what felt like Braxton- Hicks contractions all night.  They ranged in strength and frequency.  They were enough to concern us and our doctor had us go in Saturday morning to the hospital for monitoring.  We were very nervous, given our experience in having Payton prematurely and feared we were heading down that road...but way too early.  I am happily 26 weeks this week and grateful to be at home and doing better.  My uterus acted up a bit for them, enough for them to see what I was talking about, but not enough to keep me there.  I was sent home to take it easy and call if things changed.  I have continued to have them, but they are decreasing daily.  I had a conversation with my OB today and he wanted to encourage me at this point to continue to take frequent rest periods throughout my day and not overdo it, no exercise, pelvic rest, and no lifting.  But other than that, he wanted to reassure me and encourage me at this point to go about my normal routine as much as I wanted.  He is not highly impressed with 20+ Braxton-Hicks contractions in a day and reminded me that all the test they performed, came back great and that I am not in preterm labor. My family and I have been having me rest a little more than usual and they've helped come alongside me and give me a couple of days of lots of resting.  But for the rest of the day today I am going to be resuming life as normal, take frequent breaks and sit, stay hydrated, empty bladder frequently and observe my OB's precautions.  But it feels scary.... 

Over a year and a half ago I bought two Louis Giglio DVDs that were on the $5.00 family perks at our local Family Christian store.  I had not had a chance to watch them yet and practically forgot I had them.  We chose to watch his, "How Great Is Our God" video, on Saturday night.  It was JUST the encouragement we needed!!!  I am telling you...God is amazingly faithful and He truly does work upstream to bring things into our lives at just the right time to encourage us.  Aren and I both were in absolute awe of this 41 minute video.  It is one I wish everyone could see.  I HIGHLY encourage it.  It was tailored made for us in that moment in all we are going through with our baby girl.  Here is a little Godtube clip of it... I have it if anyone wants to borrow it.  SO GOOD!!!  PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEE Watch it!!!  It will change how you view human creation, God and His hand in it.  http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/1849169 (BTW...this is the week our babies eyes are open!!!... amazing timing too, with the video reference!!!)

Lastly, as far as updates in appts. go, we are scheduled to meet with a pediatric neurosurgeon on May 29th and then be seen by the perinatologist on May 31st.  We have asked the elders from our church to meet with us and pray over us and are planning a healing and prayer meeting on Saturday, May 26th.   We are still determining what time that will be and because this is a public blog I will not be posting the time.  But if you are interested in attending please email, text or call Aren or I and we will let you know the time.  We would like to invite anyone who would like to attend that moment with us to come together and pray over our sweet child.  We know that God hears our prayers and He can answer yes to them if we are asking for healing in quiet prayer alone.  But we are wanting to be obedient to what God's word says, James 5:13-16 NIV

Prayer of Faith
13 Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. 14 Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. 15 And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. 16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

We trust that God's Provisions over our lives and our baby's life are Sovereign, no matter what.  But we are doing all we can to put our Faith in Him and seek Him during this time... this is one of the steps in doing that.  So please join us if you are interested and able.  We'd love to come together this way.  It would not require anyone else to pray out loud, it would simply mean your presence is there.  The time will be for the elders to each intercede for us and for all of us to come together and make the request of healing and comfort from God.  Also, to the amazing women who were at the first prayer meeting... please know that I do not ask or expect anyone of you to attend this one too.  You are welcome to be there if you want, but your support has been a blessing already. 
 
Lastly, many of you have reached out and have expressed a desire to help and are asking how.  Thank you, thank you and thank you.  I am so encouraged by the amazing family and friends we have around us.  We appreciate everything you've done and have offered to do.  With my restrictions being lifted and our attempt to resume life as normal, we are good on meals right now.  But thank you.  If things change and I need to have greater restrictions, than this will be a great help.  But right now I think we are good.  Aren and I planned out a menu this week that is simple and quick to prepare and my amazing husband has been helping out so very much to lighten my load.  Thank you so very much to Mema/Kathy, Grandma B, Aunt Kelly, and Brenda for helping with the kids the past couple of days.  Your support has been greatly appreciated! 
Prayer....
This is what we need!!!!  We believe in it's power.  We know each of your prayers are heard and we believe they hold great power over our lives.  Thank you!!!  Here are some specific prayer requests we have at this time:
 
1.  For no preterm labor, for Braxton-Hicks contractions to subside, decrease or not increase and affect my cervix in any way.  For me to make it to 37+ weeks. 
 
2.  For upcoming drs. appts. and for us to not to allow fear to overshadow God's peace.  For healing!!!!  For hopeful news from the neurosurgeon, for an encouraging ultrasound.  For compassionate staff and for Christian medical staff to be a part of our care to encourage us. 
 
3.  For peace and joy as Payton's 9th birthday is approaching on May 28th.  And for us to not allow the timing of all of this to cause us to constantly refer back to our experience with Payton.  It was Mother's Day weekend, 9 years ago that I went into preterm labor with her.  So the timing of this past weekends event was rather close to home for us in our remembering.  Help us to focus on the joy of her birth and life and not the fear that was present at the time. 
 
4.  For protection over our children and our marriage.  As we are all doing our best and loving one another through all this, we are seeing some of the stress of everything affecting our home life.  It is impossible to not allow the stress to affect us.  But we are trying hard to remain calm, hopeful, peaceful, loving and gentle with one another.  We are praying that the devil be bound in any further antics he might pull to bring greater stress upon our family that I know he is threatened by. 
 
Thank you all for your support and love and for taking the time to read this.  We love each of you and appreciate each of you. 
 
Much love,
Heather, Aren, Avery, Benjamin, always Payton and our baby girl we are waiting for.  (name is still being discussed!)

While we’re waiting….

Almost 9 years ago… Aren and I found ourselves standing in unknown territory. We had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, we named Payton. As many of you know with Payton’s birth, came many changes into our lives. We wanted to share Payton’s progress while she was in the NICU and then when she came home. Aren started a website in her honor and it was there that we did our best to update all the wonderful people in our lives praying for her and supporting us. It continued to be a place to share even after she went to be with the Lord and then became a place to share the births and lives of Avery and Benjamin. But we soon found it to be neglected as we were busy with life with our kiddos. It was a time after that, that I started this blog. At first it was created to be a place for me to update family back East on the kids, and then it morphed into a place of sharing my faith in Christ. Then last July we made the decision to homeschool! And well…it was my last post (a testimony to my full plate!!!) I have been so busy this past year... that I’ve not been intentional about posting. I was considering closing it recently, questioning its purpose at this time in my life. Until almost 2 weeks ago…

I am almost 23 weeks pregnant with our fourth child and beyond blessed to be a mom to another gift from God. All has been going great in my pregnancy up until recently. I am a little drained from retelling the details of the story…so I will be as to the point as I am capable. That’s hard for me…being created as an “attention to detail” kind of gal.

Recently, we went into the perinatologist’s (high risk pregnancy) doctor to have our high level ultrasound (u/s) done. We were just checking on baby to see how growth and development was progressing. We went in fully expecting great things. We were stunned to be told that our baby appears to have a partial cerebellum malformation. This means that part of the baby’s cerebellum (part of the brain that aides in motor control…i.e. walking, balance) is not forming as it needs to. We have since had two more doctor appts. , one with our primary OB, and a follow-up perinatologist appt. We were given similar, yet different perspectives from each perinatologist about what their opinions are on our baby’s possible complications. What started out rather grim, has since transformed into a more hopeful place. We still have a long road ahead of us though.

Aside from being told our baby’s complications, one of the most heartbreaking parts of this whole experience was the initial advice given to us by the Dr. to abort our baby. Legally they have to offer that option… whether it is a terminal condition or not. But we were deeply grieved and offended by this advice and made it very clear where we stood. I will say…this did not end easily. Once the point was made and they were asked to NOT address us with this option again, they receded. But it left wounds on our hearts that will forever affect our view on the sanctity of life.

The Dr.s are unsure exactly what has caused this complication for our sweet baby. The last Dr. we met with left us with hope… We are unsure if this is a condition related to a chromosomal or gene condition, or if it is a developmental condition that occurred very early in my pregnancy, or if it is related to an undiagnosed health conditions in me. Basically we will not know until ultimately the baby is born. And we have been given great hope that this is not a terminal condition, and may not be a severe disability causing condition. We may not know how this affects our precious child… until he/she is grown… What it boils down to in our opinions… is this child…like our others, is in God’s loving Hands. Only He knows the story… we are just following Him in it and doing our best to be trusting and obedient along the way.

We are awaiting blood work on me to rule out some possible causes (I’ll explain more later), we are scheduled on May 29 to meet with a Pediatric Neurosurgeon to seek council on his opinion on the u/s findings and what steps to consider taking as our due date approaches (August 16). We are planning (but not scheduled yet) to do a follow-up u/s with the perinatologist team again. Other than that…not much we can do while we wait… medical-wise…but we can PRAY!

We are asking anyone that knows the Lord to please pray for us and the baby. We are asking for and expecting a miracle. We are also preparing our hearts if the miracle doesn’t come in the way we are seeking it to. We are trying our best to trust in the Lord with all our hearts and to not lean on our own understanding. We are trying to submit to him…as He says He will make our path straight. (My words along with Proverbs 3:5-6). As we look ahead… the path doesn’t “feel” very straight, it feels treacherous, and dark. We know that if we choose to see things through our own eyes, that is how it will feel. And that if we choose to receive His gifts of being in control, being Good, loving and Sovereign… than the path has just enough Light upon it that we need to see in which way to go and to rest and not worry. Some moments in the day are easier to do this than others.

We are hearing many lies in our heads, and many potentially scary perspectives from the medical world…but we are also hearing many Truths…and some of those are:

~That God has made all the delicate, inner parts of our baby’s body and that he/she is being knit together in my womb. Psalm 139:13
~That this baby is “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made” Psalm 139:14
~That we can be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him… Psalm 37:7
~ We do not need to fear, for He is with us, we do not need to be dismayed, for He is our God. He will strengthen us, help us and uphold us… (Isaiah 41:10)
~He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men. Lamentations 3:33
~And we know that in all things God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many more truths that are in our thoughts, on our hearts and in our words we speak throughout this time… so while we’re waiting… we are asking that everyone pray. Pray alone and pray together. He says where “two or more come together in my name, I am with them.” (Matthew 18:20) We are told that “whatever we ask in Christ’s name, the Father will do, so that glory will be brought to God.” (John 14:13). I believe very much in the power of prayer. I know He hears our prayers and in my life, I’ve seen tangible evidence of prayers answered. I also know and will say… God does not say yes in all the ways we ask of Him. His ways are not our ways; His will is not always our will. He sees the bigger picture… He sees eternity. We see only the here and now. We are limited by our lens. And even if we pray and our prayers are not answered in the ways we are asking and seeking… we will still stand in saying… God is good, He is Sovereign in His provisions and we can trust Him in all of this. We know He has great plans for us and that doesn’t include plans to harm us or our sweet baby. They are plans to prosper us and to give us hope and a future… no matter what.

Love Heather, Aren, Avery, Benjamin, Baby and always Payton

"Quiet Time"

Daily I struggle with how to wisely use "my" time.  I fight my own desire with setting my own schedule, and not turning to someone wiser, who created time and has my days numbered.  I struggle with discerning how God wants me to use it, who does He want me to encourage or support, what does He want me to accomplish, the list goes on....

I try to pray for wisdom and discernment in how to best use my time and for God to help me to know "my time" is not just my time... but His.

I long for time alone. I rarely dislike being alone. I've always been that way. I am most "still" when I am alone and my soul craves that.

So when I get alone time, I tend to feel an internal struggle with how to use it and how to protect it. Sometimes, I don't want to "share" it and sadly, sometimes that means I neglect to set aside some of that time to spend with the Lord. I want to spend time in His word, growing, learning and drawing closer to Him through that time.

I struggle with just "sitting down" and reading His word.  I know it can be a challenge to do when you’re a mom of little ones. I usually have time in the afternoon when my son is napping and my daughter is in quiet time playing. But I still feel the lure of that perpetual "to-do" list.

While I am not striving for perfection, I do feel I can improve in my being intentional about time reading God's Word... His instructions for my life...His way of being in relationship with me and me with Him.

I am not proud of my struggle, but I recognize it for what it is. Sometimes I have even noticed, that when I spend time reading the Word, I can't get enough of it, and I don't want to stop.  Also, I find myself feeling irritated if I get interrupted while I am spending time with the Lord.  So the pendulum swings the other way.

So where's my balance?

I've prayed a lot about this and part of me feels like God is trying to tell me to do as Christ did.

Mark 1:35 "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went to a solitary place, where he prayed."

Ideally, I could do this at this point in my life- the kids all sleep through the night. I'd have time to myself with the Lord, then be prepared and armed with the Word of God to start my day as opposed to later in the afternoon where I've already been through most of my day. Then when nap/quiet time rolls around in the afternoon I could use that time to accomplish some of the other things of the day and not allow my time with God to be pushed aside.

I've always been a "Night Owl." So I don't know how this will look for me, but I can't help but feel like this is what He is guiding me to do. It's been on my heart for quite some time. And this is how He speaks to us... to me. He is a gentleman, gently and patiently putting things on our hearts and shaping us to follow His Will.

And the other thing...

Simon and his companions sought out Jesus and perhaps interrupted the Lord's prayer time with the Heavenly Father. But Jesus didn't act selfishly, he didn't get angry and he didn't refuse them and tell them to go away. He simply joined them and went on about his day’s journey and quite literally fought demons.

So now the question is... "Am I prepared to do the same... how about you?"

4th of July Potato Salad

Happy 4th of July!  I thought I would share one of my favorite recipes.  It is the best potato salad ever and one of my favorite side dishes to bring to a BBQ.  So if your heading to a BBQ this weekend and you need a recipe, this one will deliver!  Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Ingredients
• 2 pounds red new potatoes, quartered and cut into 3/4-inch chunks
• Coarse salt and ground pepper
• 3/4 cup sour cream
• 1/4 cup mayonnaise
• 1-2 tbsp. apple cider vinegar (add each tbsp. per taste preference)
• 1/2 cup thinly sliced scallions, plus more for garnish
• 4 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled, for garnish
Directions
1. In a large pot, cover potatoes with salted water. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Simmer until potatoes are tender when pierced with the tip of a sharp paring knife, 12 to 15 minutes. Drain well.
2. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, whisk together sour cream and mayonnaise, apple cider vinegar; add warm potatoes, and gently fold to combine. Season with salt and pepper. Cover; refrigerate at least 1 hour and up to 1 day.
3. To serve, season salad again with salt and pepper, if needed; fold in scallions. Garnish with bacon and more scallions, if desired.

Just a few side notes:  If you don’t want to bother with frying your bacon, cook it in the microwave, oven or you can buy it already cooked. This recipe was adapted from a Martha Stewart’s recipe; I changed the sour cream and mayo to regular from light and added the apple cider vinegar. I have made it in the past with light mayo and light sour cream… still good but not as rich in flavor. I’ve also made it with half- light sour cream and regular mayo, still great. All depends on your dietary preferences.  Lastly, this recipe makes a small serving, I always double or triple this recipe so there is plenty to share.  It never goes to waste.

Skipping Among Her Milestones

Seasoned mothers have told me, "Enjoy her while she's little... time will fly by." I would smile and respond in agreement. While holding my daughter as an infant I would try to envision what time flying by really looked like. As a mother, I have tried to savor each day of my sweet, lively-spirited, six-year-olds life. While there are some days she brings me to my knees, other days she makes me smile, slow down and remember that life is a great JOY and walking through it is, optional! We believe her motto is, "Why walk when you can skip?" My husband and I have wondered if Avery still remembers how to walk? She literally skips everywhere she goes, and it makes us laugh!

Just over ten months ago, I watched her skip hand-in-hand with a friend into her kindergarten classroom. I stood on the sidelines and held back the flood gate, wondering where time had gone. And now here we are ten months later and we survived! In fact, we thrived! Avery thrived! She was blessed with a wonderful kindergarten teacher who nurtured so much in Avery’s soul. Avery has grown in so many ways over this past school year. She once was reading her alphabet, now she knows how to read words, books! She has developed a great love for science and nature and would define her best days by creating art all day. She is sharp as a tack in doing addition in her head and amazes us with her memory. Before and after school she spent her time writing "books", which consisted of stapling a stack of 8 1/2 x 11 inch papers together and writing and illustrating them. At the beginning of the school year, she wrote her name in manuscript, but is now asking me to teach her cursive and can write her name in cursive. She has accomplished so much over the past year and is growing into such a precious young girl.

Over this past year, God has put a special plan on our hearts. While in some ways this plan has caught us by surprise (mostly my dear husband), we are thrilled to see what He has in store for us! As Avery has accomplished this special milestone in "graduating" kindergarten, we are celebrating with joyful noise over her past education in private and public schooling and gratefully anticipating her growth as we transition into her 1st year with homeschooling! We are amazed where God has brought us to and can hardly wait to begin. We believe God has great plans in store for our family.

To our pleasant surprise, Avery is quite excited about homeschooling. We have received great support and blessings from our family and friends as we have shared our news. Of course, the first question everyone asks us is, "What made you decide to homeschool?” We are still learning how to share that answer, but we have “researched” homeschooling extensively and God has brought countless homeschool families into our lives to share and advise us in our decision. He provided for us conferences and homeschool networks to attend and piles of books, CD’s, DVD's, online information and homeschooling blogs to learn from. And when it came down to it, homeschooling was a decision that was placed in my husband’s and God’s hands. It took several months for the final decision to be made, but with my husband’s blessing and God's clear, peaceful confirmation we are ready to start this exciting journey ahead! We feel God's Hand upon us as we take this leap of faith.

We are excited! We love learning! We LOVE books! We are happy about more time with one another. We love the gift of choosing our own faith-based curriculum and having enough time in the day to devote to learning about Christ and working on our character. We joyfully anticipate the opportunity to spend time with other homeschooling families, teach lessons together and go on adventurous field trips. We love the ability of mastering a concept and moving at our own pace and exploring the world through unit studies. And we get to do science projects and create ART, ART and more ART! We think the idea of lying outside on a blanket and doing math and spelling is awesome! We are certain there is so much more; we have no idea what is in store for us with homeschooling and we are thrilled to be given this gift of time and learning together as a family. Most of all, as Avery’s parents, we will get to see her "skip among her milestones” even more at home than if she were away each day. We are thrilled! Stay tuned for more about the start of our homeschooling journey.

By the way....those mothers were right! Where have the last six years gone?

His Why

I grew up in a small town in Kentucky. Radcliff was one of those towns that was "safe". We could go off and explore the woods near our home and mom rarely worried. We could ride our bikes, literally all over town. It wasn't Mayberry, but it was still small. Most of the friends I graduate from high school with, were friends I started elementary school with. I grew up feeling a part of a community and I was blessed to have many friends share my entire childhood school years with me.

As safe as it felt, and as close knit as it could be; we were not immune to pain, sorrow or loss. As a young child, heaven became very real to me. I learned at a very young age that life is not to be taken for granted and that there is so much more to live for than just this lifetime. I was impacted by eternity before I could comprehend it.  Today, at 36 years old... I still cannot comprehend it, but I am trying.

As I was becoming a teen, I learned that sometimes children are called home to heaven before their parents. At thirteen, I was asking a question that I am most certain went all the way back to Eve. Eve was the first woman on earth and she was the first mother. She was also the first mother to bury her child. I am most certain... she was the first mother to ask the question of “Why?”, as she grieved.

On May14, 1988, as our community learned of the tragedy of the Carrolton Bus Accident where we lost so many loved ones, we found ourselves asking, "Why?". We witnessed so many mothers and fathers, families...bury their sweet children. We too, couldn't help but to ask, "Why?".

It was through the accident that God gave me a gift and impacted me eternally. I came to know Jesus through that tragedy.

This Saturday, May 28th is the 8th anniversary of my sweet little girls’ birth. I would have an 8 year old right now... Payton would be 8. How has 8 years passed already?  I say it in a way that expresses speed... yet I also say it in a way that translates...disbelief. How ever have we lived this long without her? Over the past 8 years, I have asked a lot of "Why's?”. Some I have answers to... some I am still working on... some I am certain will not come this side of eternity.

Since May of 1988, my eyes were forever opened to the sensitivity, yet commonality of child loss. While working at UC Davis Children's Hospital in pediatrics, I witnessed so many sweet children's untimely deaths. I saw and heard the "Why's?”, I felt them too.

Over this past week I have been following the tragic loss of lives and homes to the Midwest tornados. I have been particularly touched by one beautiful family who lost their two sweet little boys. This family also suffered serious injuries to another child, to the pregnant mom and the loss of their home. I don't know this family, I have just been deeply touched by what they have gone through. Never wanting to see another mother or father bury their child(ren). So many questions of, "Why?".

I can't help but to wonder how many more "Why's" I might ask in my lifetime... I pray to be spared from any more of my own personal ones.... but know that that is not likely. Not to sound like a pessimist, it is just reality. We were never promised to be spared loss and grief, death became an option from the start of Adam and Eve's free will.  But what we were promised is to never be left alone... to never be abandoned. To be loved. Redemption is Promised. Hope and Great Plans are Promised. And not just the Hope of heaven is Promised (not to minimize heaven) but the Hope of a "New Earth!"

I've recently been reading more about heaven lately. I guess I have felt ready to “fully release” the very real reality that that is where Payton is. I have certainly sought it out before...but something has changed in me lately. I think that “thing” that has changed is, I am finding myself desiring less to ask... "Why?".

I surrender.

From Eve, to May 14th, to Payton, to that sweet family to..... I am tired of asking, "Why?".

While I know it is ok to ask the question, "Lord what have you done...? Why have you allowed this?" I am tired of asking it. I went back and read Genesis 3:13. Even God himself asks Eve... "What have you done?". But the difference is HUGE! Perhaps not even comparable. This comparison is almost more than I can wrap my finite mind around.

But what I take from it is this: 

God didn't have to or even need to ask that question of Eve. He knew. But he loved her enough to hear her words. While great tragedy occurred and great consequences came... God heard her.

And when Christ was on the cross, moments before he took his last breath... he too asked, "Why?" and it was then, that God himself... lost His Child.

The answer to His "Why?".... to finish God's Work.

Because of that "Why", I will see my friends in heaven someday.  I will hold my sweet Payton again never to say goodbye ever again.  And the family whose sons died and so many others will be with their sweet children, again and we will be with our Father God... someday.

So as Saturday approaches... this is what I want to celebrate and focus my heart and love on...

"HIS WHY".

Happy 8th Birthday Sweet Baby Girl... until heaven!

 Aside from the Bible... here are a few books I recommend reading on grief and heaven:
*Heaven by Randy Alcorn
*Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar
*Heaven is Real by Todd Burpo